young at heart.

The other day in class a girl asked how my weekend went and I said that it was fun, we went to a few bars blah blah blah. "Oh how old are you, 21?"

"I'm 23."

"No! I thought you were like 20!"

Then people behind us start to pipe in.

"How old are you? I thought you were 19! Well now that you mention it, you could pass for 20."

"Ummm. Thanks?"

Matt jokes that he hadn't ever been carded for a rated R movie until he went with me. I try to wear more makeup. Maybe I should sleep less so I always have dark circles under my eyes. That connotes age.

I know looking young will have its benefits later, or so people say, but for now I know that I won't be hit on at the gym for at least 5 more years. The guys I think are hot... think I'm 17. Wearing high school tennis t-shirts probably doesn't help. 

Getting carded is actually getting worse, not better. Instead of being like "Oh you JUST turned 21! No wonder!", it's actually been 2 years so they assume it must be fake. I actually wore a UCI t-shirt to BevMo yesterday so they wouldn't blacklight me.

speaking of la.

I took some pics.

If you want to see more, check out my flickr.

the drive-in.

I'm on my way to LA with the fam. On the way, I point out the drive-in movie theatre in Santa Fe Springs and how I really want to go. I've never been to a drive-in. My mom started off on how she doesn't know how I don't remember going to the drive-in when I was four. We went to see that stupid movie where Arnold and Danny Devito are twins. 

She also reminisced on her youth.

"When I was a teenager we used to hide in my friend's trunk to see rated X movies."

"Rated X? You mean rated R."

"No, rated X. Like really really bad."

"Mom, there are NO rated X movies. That's like hardcore porn."

"Yes."

"You went to see hardcore porn?"

"It was the 60s!"

"I don't think you saw rated X hardcore porn in a drive-in in the 1960s. I don't believe you. Maybe NC-17."

"Joanna, it was rated X. That's why I had to go in the trunk."

Then my dad jumped in and explained to me that my mom was too young and that the movie had dangerous content. Wow, this really helps me understand.

"Ok, so you saw a crazy bestiality movie when you were 15."

"No! Nothing like that. Just a lot of sex. Personally, I didn't like it. It wasn't very well done. Disappointing."

I almost barfed. Not only did my mother love a movie full of raunchy sex scenes, but she was apparently so well-versed in the genre that she was a critic. I still don't believe it was rated X.

save the squirrels.

I got my haircut on Friday. My hairstylist is in her 40s, 5'10, with peroxide blonde hair and always clad in animal print. She usually likes to talk about steakhouses and the current state of her sex life (with her husband) but this time we got off on a more mundane topic. 

We were both saying how we loved our moms but they basically drive us nuts. Her analogy for her frustration is that her mother saves everything. "We had dinner at my house the other night and I had a made salad. My mom comes over when I'm cleaning up and asks if I'm saving the lettuce. She wants to give it to the squirrels."

I'm fascinated. "What squirrels?"

"She goes to the park and feeds shit to the squirrels. She steals rolls from restaurants. Crackers. You name it."

I explain that my mom isn't much different. "My mom saves avocado seeds because she wants to turn our backyard into a Columbian paradise."

She rebuttals, "My mother saves coffee grinds for the garden."

"No, my mother does that too. And banana peels.

"My mother reuses paper towls."

"Ziploc bags."

The ziploc bag has been on my mind. I found myself washing one out and reusing it a few months back. I was obviously unconscious. I decided to hold my apples in my hand while I drove. I can do just fine without a baggy.

I frequently ask my mom why she choses to live in the depression-era... forever. I try to convince her that movies and books should be chosen according to interest, not the color of the price tag (red- $1). She recently bought The Net and some old Jack Nicholson crap. 

I went through our drawers the other night, which are basically 10 year old trashcans but instead of getting thrown out, they get pushed into a cabinet. They're full of bottle openers, recipes and complimentary chopsticks. I found a newspaper clipping and asked my mom if I should save it.

"YES!" she exclaimed.

It was an ad for german shepherd dogs.  I noticed that none had worms. I wonder if babies had to be wormed. Think twice before you adopt something.

"Why are you saving this?"

"In case I want to adopt one! They're pure bred!"

My mom doesn't want a dog. She lies. She says she does but then goes on and on about how it's inhumane because she works and I'm moving out so I can't train it. This is all regardless of the fact that she finds it fun to call me ungrateful and threatens to kick me out every time we fight. I guess if I was Cesar Milan things would be different.

I'll survive. Things could be worse. I'm glad she's doesn't save things for the squirrels.

get real.

I watch bad reality tv. I admit it. Just turn off your computer and get outta here if you pretend you don't like it. Yes, you cringe and endlessly criticize their intellects and heehaw at the degradation of entertainment -- but you watch it.

My awareness of this obsession became utterly apparent on Saturday night. Thomas called me and asked me what I was up to. It was 9pm. We were ready to just call it a night and go to bed. I say, "Well to be honest, I'm probably just going to watch The Real Housewives of Orange County. It premiered last night."

"Really? I'll watch that. [Pause] Wanna get yogurt?"

"Yogurt's closed... I can bake cookies?"

"I'm coming over."

So me and Thomas watched The Real Housewives of Orange County while eating cookies that Thomas informed me were "highly caloric." That's actually my standard for cookies. If lard isn't one of the ingredients, it cannot be good.

We're watching the show and everyone's talking about Gretchen (background: 25, gold digger, 300 yr old husband died last season, now dating Slade the coto bicycle). They're saying she has all these provocative pictures involving a vibrator. They mention the vibrator had a cord. I don't know if she got hers in 1975 but you shouldn't have to charge or plug-in a vibrator. They work on batteries. Seemed weird and strangely less erotic to imagine a long electrical cord brushing her butt cheek. Later on in the episode they flash these images VERY quickly across the screen. Me and Thomas immediately go from curled up fetal position to completely upright with our noses pressed to the screen. We actually screamed in glee. I rewound the montage about 10x and paused to get the full effect of the documentation.

So I guess this revelation, of what I found utterly amazing and entertaining, has caused me slight concern. But maybe I can just read some Proust and it will cancel out.

Who knows.

I'm gonna go bake.

playing catch-up.

So my ex-boyfriend from like 1 million years ago facebooked me and said he would like to "catch up, in person."

For some reason a lightening bolt of terror went through my entire body. Not that I'm scared of him. Au contraire, I'm actually really comfortable around him. I mean, we dated for a pretty long time. It's just I honestly can't even imagine having a conversation with him. I've thought about it in my head a few times. You know, if I ran into him mid-chomp at In-N-Out or the Nordstrom's cash register.

"Wow, you look great! How is everything? I just thought about you the other day..."

Liar.

But I feel like we should catch up. Why not? He probably treated me better than most guys I've dated and I broke up with him, so I should be flattered he asked to "catch up" instead of sling expletives back and forth.

I think the thing I'm worried about the most is that it's going to change the memory I had of him. I feel like he's hardened now. I talked to him online a little while ago and it was like his distant cousin has stolen his screen name. He was throwing around weird inebriated slang and making me feel not only sober, but completely un-cool.

I'm slightly positive he has an alcohol problem. He once told me, "We should get a beer sometime but I'll have to get a ride. I have a DUI. And I'll have to crash somewhere... But I'll figure it out!" I suggested coffee. "Do you not drink anymore?" I explained that I did, I just didn't want to inconvenience him. He seemed offended, as if beer was his binkie and I was forcing him into maturity against his will.

I also checked out his facebook groups. Most of his interests either involve legalizing, lowering age restrictions, beer pong or Cabo. I saw one political group. It was anti gay marriage and most of the propaganda had improper grammar.

Hmm. This seems like a great idea.

He started the fb message with "I'm digging your style these days... ok it hasn't ever really changed..." which isn't connoting any deep philosophical debates but then I think he was just trying to make up a reason to talk... which is nice. He also wrote the message at 3:49 am so he might claim insanity tomorrow and back out of our book club meeting.

All I know is that I'm definitely chugging Wild Turkey in the Peet's bathroom and bringing a notepad of appropriate subjects to broach with an ex-boyfriend you broke up with 5 years ago.

Possibilities: Obama, prime rib, beer, Entourage, Megan Fox

Short Story: "She Said"

I wrote this last night. It's probably crap but I thought I need to start writing more and it's good motivation for me to post stuff on here. Technically I'm also "publishing" myself. Oh I'm such an author. It's fiction. None of this happened. Comprende. 

I dedicate the title to e.e. cummings.

She said.

By Joanna Clay

She broke it to me in one of those cheesy 1950s diners. A girl in roller-skates brought me a cheeseburger. He had been dating another woman. I was dumbfounded as I stared at the pickles on my bun. Why do they always put pickles on the bun? I remember as a kid that’s the whole reason I hated Happy meals. Ketchup, mustard and pickles.

She pushed her hand across the table. She said things will be fine. Her fingers were all veiny. I could see the red and blue lines bulging from the top of her hand. It’s like when you’re you in an airplane and you look below at all the cities. Fields are big bright green squares. Rivers and lakes look so perfectly placed, crisp blue lines running in and out and under. You feel like you can touch it. It feels close. But you can’t. It’s too far.

He isn’t moving in with her, she said. He’ll have his own place. You can have your own bed.
I better have my own bed. Otherwise that’d be fucking weird.
Why wouldn’t I have my own bed? I thought. Strange.

My mom does this thing with her hands. She traces the edges of her nail with her finger. It kills me. Everytime she rounds a nail I’m just sure the room is going to explode. Red aprons and polka dot napkins are going to bury me alive.

We used to love each other, she said. We used to go dancing on the weekends. We took salsa classes. We had fun.
Salsa… You have that rose in your mouth, right?
No, that’s tango, she said.
Tango, that’s right. I always thought if I did the tango he’d bite off my tongue when he took the rose.
That’s a horrible thought, she said. Do you really think so?
Well yeah. I mean it’s right there and they move so quickly. Roses have thorns too. It’s dangerous. You can salsa all you want but leave me out.
Tango, she said.
Right.

I never much liked to dance though. Really. It annoyed the hell outta me, to be completely honest with you. Those dances were awful. Guys would come up to you brace-faced and googly-eyed, sweating down the back of their shirt.

I think my burger is undercooked.
It’s just a little pink, she said.
It tastes funny.
It’s the special sauce, she said.
The special sauce is supposed to taste like uncooked meat?

I think this will be better for all of us, she said. We really need to be selfish and do what is best for ourselves. I’m taking cello lessons. My teacher says I’m the fastest learner she’s ever had.
That makes no sense.
Why, she said.
You hate Yo-Yo Ma.
I don’t hate Yo-Yo Ma, she said.
You burned the CD. In the fireplace. It was dad’s.
I didn’t burn the CD because I hate Yo-Yo Ma, she said.
Why don’t you play the piano?
I’m playing the cello, she said.

Musical instruments are funny. People always want to learn to play one. Personally, I don’t see the point. That’s what musicians are for.

She flags down our waitress.
I asked for a diet coke 10 minutes ago, she said.
Oh I’m so sorry maim. Must have slipped my mind. I’ll run and get it.

You didn’t ask for a refill.
Yes I did, she said.
No, you didn’t.
Well, isn’t she supposed to be paying attention? I didn’t pay three bucks for a tall glass of ice, she said.
They skate pretty fast. They hardly have time to stop.
Yes, it’s awful. I don’t know how they ever get anything done, she said.
It’s kind of nice.
Being a completely unproductive member of society? She said.

The waitress brings her a new diet coke. She nods at the waitress, as if to tell her -- it’s ok, we expected this much from you.
My daughter would like a cherry coke as well, she said.
No I don’t.
I thought you love cherry coke, she said.
I haven’t had soda since I was 8.
I guess that will be all, she said with a smile.

She goes through diet coke like a smoker with camels. She inhales them. I’ve never seen her drink a drop of water. Even when she goes for a run, I never see her grab a bottle. Sometimes she goes over to a fountain but I’ve never seen her push the button. She never coughs or perspires. She’s not like me at all. I’m like my father. I sweat when it’s cold outside.

It’s good to have hobbies, she said.
I have hobbies.
Really, what are they?
I sit on the bench at the park.
That is not a hobby, she said.
People watching.
Buy some binoculars. You can look at birds, she said.
I don’t want to look at birds. I’ll buy binoculars though. But I’ll look at people.
Honey, that’s strange, she said.
People are great. They do the strangest things. You know people never think they’re being watched. As long as they don’t know you they’ll do just about anything…pick their nose, talk to themselves, put their hands down their --
My lord, she said.
It’s true. That one isn’t very interesting to see but frankly, now I’m a firm believer in hand sanitizer.

He’s leaving on Saturday. I just thought the earlier the better. Easter is around the corner. We can have it at my mother’s, she said. How about that?
I don’t really like Easter. It’s the marshmellow candy. It makes me sick.
I’ll have the movers come. You don’t need to bother, she said. They can wrap up your things.
What is Easter about anyway? We’re not even religious?
It’s about Jesus, she said.
It’s always about Jesus.
I don’t want you to feel like it hurts my feelings when you’re with him. I want you to still be close. You should go on your bike rides, she said.
Someone stole my bike.

Someone really did.
There’s this record store around the corner from our house. Bill and Mona own the place and they let me work on a credit system. I get to keep a record for a week for free, no scratches, and then I can bring it back and trade. Bill sits with me sometimes in the listening room. I always wipe down the earphones with hand sanitizer. I’m telling you, you don’t know where anyone has been. Bill knows it all. He can tell you Joe Strummer’s zodiac sign or Robert Plant’s drug of choice. Jimmy Page started out with the Yard Birds. Roger Waters went to school for architecture. I like to hear him talk over the music. You can learn a lot when all you can do is listen. Mona made me take this Dream Theater LP with me. I put it in my backpack and walk outside. I had my bike locked up to the street-sweeping post. The bitch left my lock. It was an expensive lock but at that point they should have just taken it. It looked so sad there, loosely hugging the pole, helplessly unable to let go. I couldn’t cut it off. It’s still there. Maybe they’ll slip my bike under it one day.

You can just buy a new one, she said. Get a job first.
Right.
I heard she’s younger than me, but I don’t find her quite attractive. Very fake looking, she said. I think I’m rather youthful. Wouldn’t you say I look 5 years younger? Would you guess I’m 50?
You’re the only person I know that’s 50 so…
But if you had to guess, you’d say younger, she said.
I don’t know. I’d say older.
Older? Older than what, she said.
Older than me.
Right right, but younger then, she said.

The waitress brings the check over. She already has the card out, ready to pay her.
I want you to be home Friday. It’s important, she said. She pokes my arm, pulling on my shirtsleeve.
You should buy another one of these, she said. It suits you.

She holds the door open for me. It’s too cold outside. Even for me.
One second.
Alright, she said.

The nude hose and the white shirts make them look so clean. There’s something calming about it.
Do you have to own your own skates? I pointed.
The waitress says no and hands me an application.

Alright, she said. Let’s go.
New York in the winter is awful. The cold cuts you sharp and seeps through your buttons. It bites you and kicks your insides. I felt hard and soft at the same time.

It’s going to be fine, she said. She waved.
I didn’t feel so good. Diners always make you sick. I’m telling you, 9 times out of 10. If you want to barf, go eat at a diner.

sounds fishy.

Speaking of dreams.

I had a dream the other night that I was staring at my wrist and saw something. It sorta looked like a wing, perhaps a bug biting me. I pull and it keeps coming. It's not a wing... it's a fin. Eventually I yank out an entire goldfish. There is a weird gaping hole where the fish was. It kinda looks like what a cigarette burn does to your pants. Yeah, the fish did that to my hand. I wasn't so worried about the hole as much as what was left in my wrist. I know that fish do that weird sucking thing in water and I was pretty sure he ate the inside of my arm. I woke up staring at it. It took me a while to realize it's kinda hard for fish to attack your body. Especially if you're not in water.

I thought the dream might just be my fear of animals (aka spiders) infiltrating my body and killing me. Jake told me it's about hygiene. Same thing.

I'm famoso

I did this interview with Cheech at the Extract premiere and it actually got up on Accesshollywood.com! I totally thought it would be on the cutting room floor. Here it is if you want to check it out!

Click here to watch.

Dreams

Lately I've been having really strange dreams so I thought I should blog about them.

A few weeks ago I woke up confused about why Michelle Williams is such a beezy. We were sitting eating dinner and she wouldn't pass me the peas. Some business about me being mean to her cassarole dish. I guess I banged it on the table. I don't know if we were a couple or what and if so -- was I the husband or the wife? Actually I always found that quite sexist. Why does there always have to be a guy and a girl? I mean sometimes when I date guys I think they're more fem than I am. So basically I don't recommend sharing a meal with Michelle Williams. She gets so hung up on stupid shit.

Then 2 nights ago I had a dream I hooked up with Joel McHale. It took me 3 Soup teasers to remember and I was like "wait, I had sex with you last night!" The thing is, I can't really remember the sex as much as what we did before. It was taco Tuesday and we were getting Mexican food. Duh. And I was having a really hard time deciding on whether to splurge for the buffet and look like a fatty or get a cheap combo plate. I still remember how great the buffet looked.

So I guess my psyche is telling me famous people should take a break from their eating disorders and share a meal with moi.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Solo La Muerte.

I haven't shared a poem in a while. Usually it's e.e. cummings when I do because I adore him. Here's "Solo la Muerte" by Pablo Neruda. If you want to read the original in spanish, click here. It's wonderful.

Only Death

There are lone cemeteries,
tombs filled with soundless bones,
the heart passing through a tunnel
dark, dark, dark;
like a shipwreck we die inward
like smothering in our hearts,
like slowly falling from our skin to our soul.

There are corpses,
there are feet of sticky, cold gravestone,
there is death in the bones,
like a pure sound,
like a bark without a dog,
coming from certain bells, from certain tombs,
growing in the dampness like teardrops or raindrops.

I see alone, at times,
coffins with sails
weighing anchor with pale corpses, with dead-tressed women,
with bakers white as angels,
with pensive girls married to notaries;
coffins going up the vertical river of the dead,
the dark purple river,
upward, with the sails swollen by the sound
of death,
swollen by the silent sound of death.

To resonance comes death
like a shoe without a foot, like a suit without a man,
she comes to knock with a stoneless and fingerless ring,
she comes to shout without mouth, without tongue,
without throat.
Yet her steps sound
and her dress sounds, silent as a tree.

I know little, I am not well acquainted, I can scarcely see,
but I think that her song has the color of moist violets,
of violets accustomed to the earth,
because the face of death is green,
and the gaze of death is green,
with the sharp dampness of a violet
and its dark color of exasperated winter.

But death also goes through the world dressed as a broom,
she licks the ground looking for corpses,
death is in the broom,
it is death’s tongue looking for dead bodies,
it is death’s needle looking for thread.

Death is in the cots:
in the slow mattresses, in the black blankets
she lives stretched out, and she suddenly blows:
she blows a dark sound that puffs out the sheets,
and there are beds sailing to a port
where she is waiting, dressed as an admiral.

my ear.

So the past couple weeks (or actually months) I've been waking up in the middle of the night with this itch in my ear. Because I watch too much "House" and "Nurse Jacky", I obviously come to the conclusion that a black widow spider has crawled into my ear.

Wednesday night I'm woken up by this itching. I can't handle it. So I walk to the bathroom and stick that saline nasal spray in my ear. I figure spiders don't like salt. Strangley enough, this doesn't help. But I go to bed and cover my ears with my hair, to block out future predators. 

The next morning I make an appointment at the Health Center. I feel like an idiot as I sit there and tell her that I believe spiders are in my ears, hatching eggs and it's very close to my brain. She looks inside.

No spiders.

Apparently it's an allergy thing. She gave me Zyrtec. No fancy anti-spider repellent. The salt water idea was also not-so-smart since it caused water retention in my ear. 

Great. 

Well I'm gonna go spray weird shit up my nose and take some of deez pillz... see ya.

my other dad, chevy chase

Apparently my mom blew up that picture of me and Chevy and put it on her wall at work. Everyone stops by and says "Wow, your daughter looks so much like Rick!"

Apparently Chevy is my father.

She said this at dinner, which probably didn't make my dad too stoked. My mom thinks it's awesome though and likes to pick apart our facial features. We apparently have the same forehead and jawline. Who knew.

h1n1

My mom walks up to me yesterday and looks at me very suspiciously and says, "Do you think you have H1N1?"

"What the hell is that?" I thought she was about to ask me if I have aids. But then it sounded more like a serial number.

"Swine Flu."

I guess eating a lot of soup and napping makes me suspect. My parents haven't really lived with me since High School so they don't know that constant hibernation is my way of coping with school. If I'm not reading, I'm probably sleeping. And I've been kind of sick of chewing lately. Soup deals with that.

But honestly, why do they call it H1N1? If someone I know has swine flu I want them to say "HEY I HAVE FUCKING SWINE FLU." Not just rattle off a room number. If I did have swine flu, I'm pretty sure I'd be a little more than tired. Aren't you supposed to be puking green? I should just buy my mom some of those masks to freak her out.

None of this convinced my mother.

I was laying in bed watching "Flipping Out" (great show, you should watch it) and I come down to get some tea and I hear my mom telling my dad that I should get the H1N1 shot and how great it is that I'm home and not living in a bacteria-filled dormitory.

Yeah, it's great.

too hip to be square.

It used to be scene kids, now it's hipsters. I get it. I remember in High School when having a "look" or "style" defined you. It made you different and unique. It connoted wealth, intelligence and beauty. Now, who gives a fuck? I like looking good but I'm over being trendy as fuck and pretending I'm not. I don't shop at American Apparel or wear Toms and claim this all in the name of sweatshops and Argentinean school children.

I'm not vegan. We're humans! It's a fucking food chain people! Gah, shrimp don't have feelings. It kills me. Seriously. Now, I do believe you should kill animals humanely etc.

I didn't buy my Mac G4 to be cool. I bought it because its the only kind of computer I know how to fucking use.

I don't care if my coffee is from McDonalds, Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks. I'd rather make it myself but if I buy it, I don't mind giving it to the man because he gets it one way or the other.

I don't take my pictures on a Holga. I don't go to gallery openings of art I know nothing about so I can drink cheap champagne. Dance parties are only cool if something comes after the dancing, preferably sex.

You rode your bike to the bar? Oh my gahd, you're so GREEN. Save your Prius for the drive to Hardfest.

I don't cover my mouth every time a picture is taken of me. Ah you caught me at the perfect time! I was just reading Hemingway while smoking a Parliament and drinking red wine. Oops, almost ashed on my beret.

If you want to be a starving artist, be a starving artist. I'm going to warn you -- you won't be able to buy those Marc flats and you're going to look 40 in 5 years. But it's all good.

What's next? Lemme guess. Go tear a t-shirt and wear it under a cropped motorcycle jacket. Don't forget your strategically aged Chuck Taylors or your Kaballah bracelet. Leggings are sooo 2004. It's all about the pants that LOOK like leggings. DUH. Ray Bans are lame. Let's go coke bottle.

I'm so screwed. I'm so uncool.

A great quote:

"The American Apparel V-neck shirt, Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and Parliament cigarettes are symbols and icons of working or revolutionary classes that have been appropriated by hipsterdom and drained of meaning. Ten years ago, a man wearing a plain V-neck tee and drinking a Pabst would never be accused of being a trend-follower. But in 2008, such things have become shameless clichés of a class of individuals that seek to escape their own wealth and privilege by immersing themselves in the aesthetic of the working class."

taken from this awesome article -- https://www.adbusters.org/magazine/79/hipster.html

airplanes: part 2

not my baby.

I never wrote airplane part 2. I just realized it. Well basically here is the gist of it. I got called a convict and then nearly decapitated a woman.

I’m getting on the plane and I’m wearing this blue dress. It’s actually made of denim but if I say that you’re gonna picture like an 80s overall dress. It’s cute, I swear.

I hand the flight attendant my boarding pass and as she scans it she says, “I like your dress. It’s kinda…inmatey. Like, you know, you’re almost bad.”

First of all, is inmatey a word? (Ross – you’re not allowed to comment) And is it bad I knew exactly what she was referring to?

Anyway. I’m a hot prisoner…

My bag is about 1 bajillion pounds. In Europe, men always put your bag up for you. No matter what. I’m starting to miss Europe.

I’m showing visible struggle as I try to lift my bag into the overhead bin. My biceps are bulging. In case you didn’t know, I’m very muscular. Don’t let these kiwis fool you.

As I’m lifting I completely lose strength and drop the bag. On a woman’s head. Okay, luckily my strength kicked in last minute and I hit the headrest... but it was a close call.

The man behind me finally decides he’s going to lend a hand. He sighs and sets down his venti mocha frappacino. I’m being very inconvenient. He only has two hands. The exchange lasts about 30 seconds but he acts as if I just stole a valuable moment from his life. One he would have better spent staring out the window at the baggage handlers or searching for that last drop of whip in his Starbucks cup. He was doing me such a favor.

During the entire flight the woman next to me was crocheting. She never spoke and would only shake her head or nod. She looked angry. I’m convinced she was a mute. She also would creepily side glance when I was writing in my moleskin. Why are you spying on me? She’s probably committing treason and crochets secret messages to the enemy (which is Texas, fyi). The woman on the other side of me was the typical “nice lady”. She made those comments that you can’t really say much to except agree and nod. For instance, “Gosh, those toilets are so small!” or “I guess there’s no movie on this flight.” I could embellish and tell her that yes the toilet is small which must be really awkward for obese people... or how angry I am that there is no in flight movie since we’re supposed to be on an updated Boeing with televisions...but I refrain.

ahhh. this is why I think feet are weird.

SJP on the set of SATC2 in NYC.

warning: do not look unless you like to barf on yourself.

Ewwwwwwwwwww. Vein-y.

Put away the Manolo's!! Buy some Gold Bond or Dr. Scholls pads. Man, I don't know. Just do something!

dreamer.

I took this LA Times quiz and it was spot on. Seriously. I also loved that you click on images instead of sound bytes. I feel it's easier to see an image that's appealing to you than to put your personality into a fragmented sentence.

Here's my verdict.


Find yours.

Being Chevy Chase's girlfriend and other things.

That's me! on the set of the new NBC sitcom "Community" just hanging out with Chevy Chase. We go back. Our talent, Laura Saltman, let me write up a blog post for her "Dish of Salt". Check it out.


Click here for original.

Aw, Mischa Mischa Mischa.

So in case you missed it, Mischa Barton got a 5150 called on her last month. That's what happened to Britney. It means people don't think you can take care of yourself aka you're gonna kill yourself. I mean how hard is it to live? Just drink some V8, move around, do some chair lifts. For MB it's a little different since her daily consumption was cocaine and goldschlager. She forgot Pete's liquor is closed on Monday, causing a stage 10 meltdown. Instead of calling Dr. Phil, she called up Time Out New York and explained the situation.

When probed about her supposed stint in rehab, 'Marissa' spoke the truth of the horrendous painful journey she's been down. No one else knows this pain. "Here’s what happened: Before the show started, I was traveling abroad for contract stuff and I went through a terrible surgery—a wisdom tooth surgery".
Wait... I lied. Everyone has this pain. Hold on. I'm sure it gets worse.

"I had to get through it without proper painkillers because I couldn’t take those during work. So it’s been a nightmare."
They didn't let you work on Advil? Oh wait, it was Oxy. Right.

She told the mag, "I’m not sure I’m capable of a full-on nervous breakdown, but it was pretty bad. It didn’t last that long. It was more about the pain. I have a newfound respect for people who have chronic pain. I started getting migraines."

WAIT. Hold the phone. She has MIGRAINES! I don't know if you've seen me in migraine action but I am basically shooting up when I get them headaches. My mom would call a 5150 on me but frankly we can't afford the psychotherapy costs. Blame the man.

The best part was regardless of her blatant LYING the reporter stayed deaf and persistently on target, asking her if people really do just doodle in the looney bin. Her response to mosaic-making? "Not really..."

WELL-FED

K-FED

INCITE MAGAZINE

I created a new site for Incite since our real site is never up and running.

Click here.

Check it out to be up to date on release parties, fundraisers, events, meetings and staff info!

We need new staff for fall '09. Tell your friends!

help me!

Have you been hard hit by the recession?

Are you mixing cement when you should be working at the UN?

Are you sleeping in your parent's office (that used to be your room)?

Are you a UCI (or any UC) student or live in the OC community?

Tell me your story --- whether it sad, happy or funny --- as long as it's true I want it.

I want to write a piece for the next issue of Incite about how students and people in the community have seen their lives change because of the economy.

I can change your name if you want.

bill o'reilly sucks

bill o'reilly gets schooled by kids.


then he proves why being a religious zealot has negative connotations...

Tarantino's Top 10 -- 3rd AH feature

This is my third feature for Access Hollywood. I compiled a countdown of Tarantino's top 10 scenes in honor of the Inglourious Basterds release last weekend. Check it out if you like.


Quentin Tarantino’s Top 10 Memorable Movie Moments


Quentin Tarantino’s Top 10 Memorable Movie Moments

airplanes: part 1

this is not my bag

So I'm in security at the airport.

I think I'm a prepared person so I go in the "experienced traveler line". I'm moving along quickly and simultaneously eavesdropping on the couple behind me. I haven't turned around so I don't know their faces. It's more fun that way. You're always surprised because peoples conversations never match their appearances. Seriously. She's telling him how she needs a new Coach handbag. He randomly has a British accent and tells her he just bought her one. She goes off on this diatribe about how NO he has NOT but in any case she is sooo over designer handbags. Then in a hushed voice she reveals how she asked her mother to get her a fake Louis when she was in Rome. I loved how she had to keep this on the DL. Meanwhile, I'm holding my LV wallet as she goes off on the brand and how she "doesn't even care because she doesn't want to be associated with LV". Oh please.

You can guess what I assumed these people would look like. I thought he'd be Bono and she'd be some washed up model. I turn around and I could not have picked a less appealing couple. His hair had this weird Trump-esque lifted look that made it look like he was wearing a hair piece. Men, do not use volumizing spray. She was a hot mess -- frizzy Airnet hair and a denim jacket from a 1990s GAP clearance rack.

I wonder what my line personality is.

My bag goes through the conveyer belt safely. None of that awkward "errrr ergh eeerr" backwards forwards thing where you know they're about to chuck your Fructise at you. As I'm reaching for a bag, a lady in uniform intersects and tells me she must "test" my bag. Hmm that's a new way of asking to look inside.

She proceeds to take this weird instrument with cloth at the end and wipe it over all the handles. Weird. She then walks over to this crazy scale thing thats hooked up to a computer the size of my bathroom. I watch over her shoulder because I figure "hey, I have rights." I have no ideas if I have rights.

Anyway.

I look over and read the screen. EXPLOSIVES TEST: NEGATIVE.

bugbite.

I have a really big bug bite. It's insane. It's on my ankle and when I first felt it I freaked out because I thought it was like a random piece of cartilage or a bone I didn't know about. It's rock hard. I'm pretty sure it's gonna be like Steven Baldwin and some spider has hatched under my skin and is having babies. KTLA will interview me and ask me riveting questions like "What's it like having bacteria growing under your skin? How is it going for you? Tell us your experience."

My mom told me to look for a red line on my leg. Apparently that means it's poisonous. I think it's okay. Yesterday I was looking for bite marks. I think it might be a spider but I can't find the 2 holes.

Doesn't it freak you out that you get weird bites when you're sleeping? During the day I don't have any interaction with spiders on my body but apparently at night they all go under my sheets and attack me. It's really frightening. 

Sorry if this grossed you out. It's my life.

be careful with your bumper stickers.

Yesterday I was on the freeway and this guy in a Buick was going so slow I took the time to read all the stickers on his car. The one that was largest stood out. It read "GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE, PEOPLE ON CELL PHONES DO!" 

I was immensely irritated by this statement. The chicken or the egg theory cannot be applied to firearms. Jesus. It's like "oh this torture chamber doesn't kill people, people do!" Yeah, no shit people kill people but all that dangerous crap doesn't help. If guns ceased to exist there would be approx 81 less people dying each day in the US. Also, guns are an easy way out. It's fast and usually accurate. For instance, you're not going to chuck a knife at a guy leaving a courthouse or stab yourself in the heart. I guess they still do the knife to the neck thing in movies. I always think its much scarier than the gun. 

ANYWAYS. All this is going through my head as I change lanes and pass this guy. I'm getting ready to stare at him. Get a good look at this gun lover. I look over and guess what he's doing?

Talking on his cell phone. 

I laughed in his direction, hoping he could hear through the traffic and the glass separating us. I now understood his sticker. He wasn't telling people to stop killing, he just wanted a new method. He was angry at the measly number of deaths due to gun violence and is on a cellphone induced killing rampage. I mean, that's all I can come up with. You? 

I wonder if his cell phone is also a gun.

funerals

So a while back I was having dinner with my folks and for some reason we got on the topic of eulogies, funeral music etc. My dad was saying his friend has an itunes playlist that he's constantly updating of the music he wants played at his service. He's always changing it because people die and steal his music requests and he wants it to stay original.

My mom chimed in saying she thinks about it sometimes. I told her I'm playing American Pie on the recorder. She has no say. She was actually not too against the idea but I decided to ask her what would be her ideal ode.

"Wipeout!"

I then jokingly asked how the song went just to see if she would sing it. She started out pumping her fists doing the "da da da da da" but I made her stop embarassing herself. I don't think she saw the obvious irony in her song choice. It just reminds her of her youth. Or maybe she knows exactly why she chose it and that's why she's my mom.

I want everyone to spontaneously burst into song and dance at my funeral. Kinda like that wedding music video but better. And don't wear black. Wear a rainbow of colors.

10 things people tell me

So instead of writing up 25 things you really don't care to know about me, I decided to compile a list of consistent things people tell me about myself that I don't believe or find strange.

1. Bird hands: Apparently I use my hands a lot when I talk. Tierney has told me they look like birds talking or something. I've yet to catch myself do this.

2. I'm too clean: My poor roommates learned this second year when I'd pretty much scrub the apartment on a weekly basis. I know now that it's not that abnormal. I hear when you're in your twenties you're supposed to leave your shit around and smell like ass. Since I've moved home I've made a conscious effort to assimilate.

3. I'm smarter than I look: I never know if this is a compliment or not. Do I just look like a huge idiot? I have brown hair now so maybe that'll change things. It most likely means people will ask me where the library is instead of my number.

4. I sometimes acquire a British accent: Del Taco and Wells Fargo workers frequently ask me where I'm from. People in Hawaii think it's great I can come all the way there on holiday. Don't make me say fascist or taquito.

5. I'm very specific: I honestly hear this a lot. I guess they mean when I describe things I'm really detailed.

6. I say brefas instead of breakfast. That's it.

7. My car singing is intense: I guess I'm fun to follow since my coordinated dance moves cannot be heard in sync with the music. Really though, driving is so much better when you're rocking out to Britney.

8. "Hey you're funny": They always say it really surprised too. Thanks.

9. I'm the worst in movies: I cry, I scream, I grab your knee.

10. I'm a creature of habit: I only eat 5 things-- trader joes pizzas, cereal, omelettes, veggie pasta, chicken & veggies. It hasn't gotten old.

After I wrote this, I realized it's way less interesting than the 25 things because you all probably already know this. And they're kinda boring. Sorry for subjecting you to this. Read the news or something. I won't be offended I swear.

speeding ticket

I got my first speeding ticket last week. I totally failed. I didn't actually cry until after he walked away. He was just so nice. It's so hard for me to be mean to nice people. Gahd. It was on La Paz, on my way to the freeway. So annoying because it's not my fault. It's gravity! You have to go up this big hill and my car is old so I pretty much have to gun it to get over it, he was waiting in the bushes on the other side. Blearfggh

My second feature for AH

Eric Bana & Rachel McAdams On Taming The Time Travelers Wife by Joanna Clay | Access Hollywood

wow, he could have been magnificent

"Whats up with Christian Bale"

So my facebook status today was "whoa whoa Christian Bale" and apparently no one has any idea what I'm talking about.

Mr Batman didn't think it was enough to go extreme for "The Machinist" so he signed on to play a drug addict in "The Fighter". He either has a thing for singlar noun/vocational careers or diets of cigarettes and apple rinds.

I saw these pictures (on WWTDD) and asked god why he chose to ruin beautiful men in name of movies no one will watch . Why can't Jack Black go manorexic... or Michael Moore? Why do they pick men with chiseled abs and gorgeous tans?

i love it.

They explain it as a sort of musical ode to the film. Adorable.

claire jackson cruise.

stolen from TMZ

Claire Cruise claims to be the fathers of MJ’s babies. I watched the live feed on TMZ and had to turn it off bc I was saying OMG every 2 minutes. She claims MJ or his pals (so I guess Gary Coleman/Emmanuel Lewis) drugged and took the embryo out of her body by force and transplanted it in the surrogate, Debby Rowe. First of all, why the hell would you want to admit to boning Michael Jackson? I thought we finally established that he doesn’t have genitals. Now it’s becoming some bizarre ménage-a-tois of child stars. Not only is she the mother of the children but his wife as well. Apparently it was her 18th birthday present. Her dad made her met him in some alley in LA. Surprisingly the precocious child didn't know who he was but she notes “he was dancing in the streets” because everyone knows MJ was constantly mid dance routine. We’ll find out he did the moonwalk down the aisle. Or actually, she probably invented it and he stole it since she’s also claiming she wrote half of his singles. She was smart enough to give her cell phone number out when she was still mic’d so I bet she won’t get any prank calls.

Pranking crazies wouldn’t be that fun. It's like calling Tom Cruise and telling him aliens are invading. You'd just feel bad having to break the news that it's a hoax after you find out he booked a flight back to Xenu. I wonder if he is going to comment since she’s also the mother of all his children. I really hope they just get rid of this lady. She’s embarrassing the family and turning his death into this huge spectacle. Plus, the media is just exploiting the mentally ill and then it's not gonna be okay to make fun of them. Just let her go home and watch Tyra and eat her chapstick.

UPDATE: She does not think her EGGS were stolen but in fact the actual fetus. She claims she was drugged and the semi-formed 'thing' was transplanted in Debbie Rowe. MJ just loves his plus size crazies.

hair

They have such great hair...



I need a haircut. Ideas? Should I dye it? I've been going au natural for a while now and I like it. I didn't know I'm a brunette. It's interesting. Maybe if I wait longer it'll turn black.

ps. it's been a little more than a year since I made this blog. I forgot to celebrate. woo. thanks for all of you that send me those kind messages and comments. it's been swell.

watch it.

So "The Lovely Bones" is turning into a film by Peter Jackson. Initially I was like wtf? Cuz the book is way too intense to be converted to a film. It's dark and complex and I feel like the translation would be too superficial. However watching the trailer (which was released today) I am actually really surprised and excited. I think Jackson was the right guy for it. If you haven't read the book, you really should. I know everyone says that, but really-- just read it.
They won't let me embed but click here to watch.

Also. "Time Traveler's Wife"!! Ok so Kevin and Bean were mad bashing the book today saying it's nearly incomprehensible. WHATEVER. Stupid philistines... No actually I love them but still. It's such a good book. I wanted to eat it. Eric Bana is totally what I'd cast for the lead. I hope he can pick up an east coast accent, that'll be interesting. I also think this is gonna be a tough one since the book is really descriptive and... 600 pages! The chapters go forward and back in time and you feel like you read her entire life.

oh gahd.

Madonna is "Like a Virgin" as in she will never have sex again.

Tara Reid always impresses me with her faster than normal aging process. The same age as Jolie, Treid has managed to put wrinkles were many thought was impossible.

Poor Kfed. I'm sure picking up extreme sports like golfing will shed the pounds. In 5 years you can probably lie and say you were wearing a fat suit for attention and people will believe you.

blog banner

I want a banner for my blog. any ideas? someone want to make me one? I'll pay you in hugs.

my first AH feature

This is the first of many features I'll write this summer for Access Hollywood. It's cool to finally see my byline because I usually just do news articles and NBC only gets sourced for that.
Woooo. See my name?

If you click on the pictures, I think they get bigger. Anyways, that's my excitement for the day.

kill me now, part 2.

And I thought it couldn't get worse...

hilarious.

These videos makes me completely reevaluate marriage. It looks awesome.

let me borrow those jeans

Brittny Gastineau is on the front of Page Six. I mean come onnnnnnnn. No one knows who she is. You're like wait... is that a Kardashian? Gastineau... that's not Armenian. I still don't know who she is. I just know that she said she wanted to abort Jamie Lynn's fetus and now she doesn't. Brittny, make up your mind. Deciding on an abortion isn't like chosing a breakfast cereal. Also, didn't Zoe 10938402 have the baby like 2 years ago? I'm so confused. Since when did she become Dr. Phil.

So if that wasn't bad enough, you flip past the cover and the top story is Obama's "mom jeans". I don't know if you know but there are two wars going on where a combined 1 million people are estimated dead in the last 8 years. There's genocide occuring on every continent. You could probably even argue Antartica. Those poor polar bears. However, the big question on everyone's mind is "what the fuck is Obama wearing?" I honestly think his baggy Levis are fine. I think the leader of the free world is allowed some comfort and leg room. I doubt Sarkozy wears Diesel. Give me a break.

i love double e.

my mind is

a big hunk of irrevocable nothing which touch and 

taste and smell and hearing and sight keep hitting

and

chipping with sharp fatal tools

in an agony of sensual chisels i perform squirms of 

chrome and execute strides of cobalt

nevertheless i

feel that i cleverly am being altered that i slightly

am 

becoming something a little different, in fact

myself

Hereupon helpless i utter lilac shrieks and scarlet

bellowings.

----- e. e. cummings

baby harlow

Nicole Richie and Joel Madden's baby freaks me out. It looks like a cabbage patch kid crossed with a gremlin. Actually, that does sound cute.

Jesus hates me.

So last weekend I went to a Cowboy bar in Long Beach for Courtney and Rachel's bday. I was having a good time and had a couple drinks. After my second, I was like "Ok you need to not forgot your card at the bar." I then went to the bathroom and completely forgot what I had told myself. I did one of those light bulb pauses where you're like "Hmmm wasn't I supposed to do something? Oh well" and then walked away. Great job Joanna.

So I call late that night (before they close) to make sure they have it. They do and tell me I can come back on Wednesday, which is the next night they're open. Happenin' place.

I picked it up on Wednesday and on Thursday I try to use it at an ATM and get denied. When I look online, someone had taken my card FOR ONE DAY and spent $800 at a Home Depot. Some bartender was like "great! now I can buy that toilet I always wanted!" Seriously. It was pretty obvious to Wells Fargo since most of my expenditures are movie tickets and $3 purchases at Gspoon. I don't tend to drop $800 at a time. I tend to be broke. And I'm also not handy.

As if that wasn't enough, on my hour drive to work today-- my air conditioner decides to break. It demonstrates this by blowing 80 degree air into my nostrils. Awesome. So I had to drive like a hillbilly with all the windows down. It smelled like ass the entire way, a combination of roadkill and exhaust fumes.

creepy men.

So I've had a few creepy guy stories in the last few weeks. Here it goes.

1. I'm walking from my car to class at UCI. As I'm walking, I realize the strap on my tank is too loose. Normally I'd go to the bathroom or something but no one is around so I just stop for a second and adjust it. It's not like you can see my boob or anything. I catch sight of this asian guy but I'm like whatever, he won't notice. There's a bush between us. As I pull my strap down and awkwardly adjust it I look back and see him looking, through the bushes. Did he think I'd flash a nip or something? What a weirdo. Go engineer something.

2. I'm in the NBC parking lot, getting in my car after work. I notice a guy kinda watching me as I get into my car but I figure he can't be too weird if he's parked at NBC. They pretty much treat everyone that comes through the lot as a possible terrorist. I have my door open as I'm getting my ipod and phone out.

The guy walks up and says "excuse me". He has an Middle-Eastern accent.

"Yes?"

"I just want to tell you-- you have very beautiful feet."

Awkward silence.

"Can I take picture?" He points at his iphone.

"Um. Thank you but no. No, that's not ok." I grab my door, hoping weird fetish man doesn't dive for my feet.

"Can I at least get your shoe size?"

I feel dirty as I blurt out, "6 and a half..." and slam the door. I also locked all the doors upon closing and he definitely saw it and it was awkward.

3. There is a creepy guy in my screenwriting class. We all grouped up into genres and of course he got stick with 2 chicks in romance. He tried to play it off as if it sucked but he was obviously stoked. He loves rom-coms. He also delivered a pitch of a film to the class. Defensive about any critique, he said about 100x how easy this is for him since he works in marketing. As an intern.

ANYWAYS. The other day I somehow ended up seated next to him. My groupmates abandoned me to go empty their bladders.

"So what's your name?"
"Joanna...."
"hmm?"
"Joanna"
"Jamima?"
"JoANNA"
"Ah ok. Yah I didn't catch your name before."
"ok."

He turns to me in class and aks, "Hey, do I smell?"
"[awkward pause]... no"
"Oh okay, just wondering because I forgot to wear deodorant,"

I just pretended not to hear him after that.

When my group returned he then proceeded to ask me my "artistic inspiration" for our group project and made me look at his facebook status.

I don't like him.

stay at home mom.

My mom is staying home from work today. It's the worst. She likes to make a lot of conversation and her voice pitch is constantly turned to shriek. I'm not used to seeing her in daylight hours and it's less socially acceptable to lock myself in the dark at 2pm but I'm doing it anyway. She just walked up to my door and showed me my cousin's baby clothes and said, "Is this yours?"

I'm making an imaginary line inside the house that she's not allowed to cross. It'll be called the quiet zone and the only sound made is when I take a break and watch Kathy Griffin.

candles.

So my mom has started a full-blown jihad against candles. 

My mother is convinced I'm burning the house down. Some may worry that their parents will find their drug stash. My mom would pass over a sack of weed to blow out an aromatherapy candle. 

Last night she came in my room with a candle she found burning in the house and showed it to me. She took it and stuck it in her room and stole my matches. Free matches are hard to come by. She thinks that the drapes or shower curtains are going to move significantly due to a stage 5 hurricane and catch on fire. That's the only logical way they would move considering the most she opens any window in the house is 2 inches. 

"Joanna, you need to stop burning candles! I've told you!"

"I do not understand why you have candles all over the house but you're not allowed to burn them."

"I'm not arguing with you Joanna. I was an insurance agent once. These things happen ALL the time. I had to make calls on them!"

What I wished I said was -- "You made calls on people that house caught fire due to small bathroom candles?"

Instead I think I said "I love candle" and told her to leave. I was busy watching Densie Richards being complicated. 

the bubble man.

Thomas Hall totally inspired me with his 25 list. On #23 he said more people should do nice things, for example: blow bubbles. That brought me back to second year at UCI.

So we had an Incite booth on Ring Road. I was hanging out and flyering when all of a sudden bubbles start inhibiting my ability to breath. They're everywhere. Where did they come from? 

The Bubble Man.

The Bubble Man used to hangout on Ring Road. He wore all black, looked like a student and was super pale and around 7 ft tall. I'm not joking. I had seen him before and I decided I needed to know why this man blows the bubbles. What's his motive.

I walk up to Bubble Man and say hi. I introduce himself. I forget his name so we'll just call him BM for short. 

me: I like your bubbles.

BM: Thank you.

me: Why do you blow bubbbles?

BM: Umm. I just like to.

me: Where do you get your bubbles?

BM: Albertsons. 

me: Hmm.

BM: Do you want some? I have a lot.

me: Okay. 

I then proceeded to blow bubbles with Bubble Man. It was weirdly satisfying. I think when I'm bored I should just go buy some bubbles. It's entirely underrated. 

Side note:

On another day, driving back to my apartment in VDC Norte I saw bubbles fill the streets and soap smudged my windshield. I look to the right and there is a man riding a bicycle with a BUBBLE MACHINE in the back of it. Seriously. I guess he just wanted to make people happier. It made me happier. I still remember it.

kill me now.

yacht club

At dinner tonight my mom informed me I should have gone to the yacht club with my parents because I could have met gorgeous men. Apparently 3 well-dressed italian supermodels stepped off a yacht and into the bar, scoping for babes. The average age of the BYC member is probably around 55 so meaning these men must be either a) socially retarded or b) insanely brilliant (maybe they have the whole Anna Nicole scheme going). 

I hope my life hasn't hit rock bottom where I'm forced to mingle with centenarians and knock back vermouth. I don't think it has yet. I'll save that for my 40s.

twitter.

So people have been trying to get me to use twitter. It freaks me out and I'm pretty sure no one cares about "What I'm doing" in 140 characters or less. However, if Kim Kardashian can captivate the world then I probably can too. I think I can do better than "oMg I loVe PinKbeRry". I'll probably lie a lot-- say I madeout with someone glamorous or I am en route to Betty Ford. It happens.

Anyways. I am very against the idea but if a bunch of you comment and say you have twitter-- I'll consider it. I'm sure no one reads this except a few friends, this alaskan and my mom-- but I have hope.

a favorite.

This is one of my favorite pieces of dialogue from a movie. I just think it's beautiful. You should know what it is. If you don't, figure it out.

"I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time. For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout Camp, watching falling stars. And yellow leaves, from the maple trees that lined our street. Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper. And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird. And Janie... and Janie. And... Carolyn. I guess I could be really pissed off about what happened to me, but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."

I'm obsessed with Sacha

I've watched this video around 100 million times and  I cry everytime.

got my nails did

So a thing happened to me yesterday (which I will explain in the next post) but it reminded me of this story that happened a year ago.

I went to get my nails done with my friend Anna. She's vietnamese so I thought this would be an awesome time to find out all the shit they say about me. I was getting a mani and pedi. I get scared when I get manicures because I bite my nails so they stare at my hands disgusted for like 5 minutes. My hands and feet are also small so they like to hold them up and smile and say "BABY NAIL!!"

So I'm apologizing left and right during the mani pedi. "I'm sorry I bite my nails, I'm going to stop!" I tell them my feet are dry because I started running again. I don't run. So at the end I'm exhausted and I'm like "Anna just tell me what they said". And she's like "Oh they didn't say anything bad. They actually said you had really good feet and they were clean." I'm like "WHAT, are you serious?" I was sure they were telling each other my baby feet should be amputated. So much for nail conspiracy theories. 

guerilla tactics

Me and my mom have been arguing a lot recently so now whenever I call she answers the phone "Hello dearest daughter of mine" which makes me laugh at how ridiculous she is and therefore can prolong my planned attack for later. It's rather smooth. Sometimes she switches it up with gorgeous or sweetest. I mean I get this all the time. New adjectives mom. Come on. 

junebug

I'm sitting in bed and I hear my mom downstairs.

"Rick, Rick-- What if... we were reincarnated as junebugs!? So we're junebugs and we're only alive TWO weeks! Do you think they know that? Do they know they only have TWO weeks to live? Maybe they don't... maybe they're happy as clams! They have no idea!"

This is why I stay upstairs.

follow up to dentistry post

So apparently my mother read the post about my dentist from a week or so ago and told me I can change dentists. She said he has an asian partner that is very nice. I don't know if it would be much better. I've sorta assimilated into his creepy culture already.

radio show tomorrow!

So I put up my radio blog link on the right ----> 

Check it out. 

My show is called "Cup of Jo" and it is every Sunday from 10am to noon. It features indie rock, world, euro pop and electronica. 

You CAN listen if you don't live in Orange County. Stop making excuses people. Just go to kuci.org. I think you can actually do something on itunes and stream too. I'm not that savvy.

Tune in tomorrow!

sjp

I like her hair.

my dream: hank basket and sacha baron cohen

So last night I had a dream where I guess I was dating Sacha Baron Cohen. He kept giving me Borat and Bruno dvds and I was like "get over yourself!" But then my superficial side-- that values physicality more than a nice sense of humor and a dash of facial hair-- turned the man into Hank Basket (Kendra's husband). It's probably better you don't know who that is. We were SO in love. Really hot and heavy. I was confused why he was going for me since I don't have fake boobs but he said he was moving on from that. We have a real connection. I think we had some philosophical discussions. Nietzche totally came up. At the very end they both disappeared and I gleefully made a roast beef sandwich. I don't think I've eaten roast beef in 10 years. I went through a phase where I really enjoyed it. Maybe I'm asking for my childhood back and a ruggedly handsome yet hilarious man to sweep me off my feet. 

exciting times

It's probably worrisome when the 2 most exciting things at the end of the day are trying your new TIGI shampoo and conditioner and watching Tori and Dean. That fucking show depresses me. I don't want to believe they are in love. Tori Spelling looks like a Clydesdale that then got hit in the face with a sledgehammer that they then repaired with Oscar Meyer bologna instead of human skin grafts. Really. She does.

But their love is so REAL. I cry every time they're apart and I really think Dean should reconsider this biking business. He could die and then WHAT WOULD BE LEFT? Nothing!!! All would be lost and Tori would just lay in bed, wiping her tears with pages from Mommywood and Stori Telling. I should really write a book. Too bad my name isn't catchy. Clay... pottery? Clay... mation? Two things creepy 40 year old men usually hide behind. hmm.

I am excited for my shampoo though. I'm hoping moisture mania is everything it claims. I hope everyone has a happy fourth! I might do things tomorrow or I might just lay in bed and poke my belly button. Sometimes you just need those moments when you have absolutely nothing to do. 

I'm going to go watch bad reality tv now. bye

question of the day: if siamese twins share a vagina, can they both feel it when they masturbate? food for thought.

living at home

To bribe me into living with them, my parents bought me a tv for graduation. It's pretty exciting and steeped with meaning since apparently they promised it to me for the duration of my entire childhood. Due to substance use and a few falls I can't really remember these conversations but accept the generous gift with excitement because now I can watch Weeds in HD. Silus is hot. I don't know how to spell his name. Who names a kid Silus? I think the writer is indian or something.

My mom has become very defensive and most conversation topics that don't start with "latin jazz is great" or "pass me the red wine" are deemed extremely rude and insensitive and deserve a severe backlash. 

"Mom, can I have some space in the freezer?" [holding a TJ's pesto pizza]

Mother responds, "You can't just come in here and turn everything upside down! Nothing is good enough!"

"I just need a place to put the pizza. There's no room. It's my dinner."

"Joanna will you stop arguing with me. I'm exhausted. I'm going to go lie down."

It doesn't matter if this is 10am.

I'm working on getting a little mini fridge in my room and maybe a hot plate. I'll put a sign over the door that say's "Joanna's Corner" and it'll always smell like spunkmeyer real estate cookies. 

bubbles the chimp

So since the press can't find more crap to exploit about Michael Jackson. ("He was on drugs." GASP) They have decided to start a media frenzy regarding his chimpanzee-- Bubbles. CNN did a story on Bubbles and I nearly face planted into my tortellini.  Anderson Cooper divulged riveting information such as his eating and sleeping habits. He likes pickles as well as bananas. I also have received numerous pictures at work of Michael Jackson holding Bubbles which is just disturbing in and of itself. You wonder what Bubbles thought Michael Jackson was because he didn't really look human. He was like a stylish, pale, skinny alien. 

I do agree that MJ was a musical genius and he will never be forgotten. His death was very sad news. However, I think it is very unhealthy to put all news on hold and become obsessed with his death. 700,000 expected at Staples Center? Thank god I won't be in LA on Tuesday.

Ricky Martin is Out

Gasp! Ricky Martin is out of the closet! Who would have thought he was gay with such hot one-liners as "she looks like a flower but she stings like a bee." I totally thought a straight guy wrote that. The best part is that his [gay] beautician outed him. When asked who he would vacation with if he could chose anyone he 1st mentioned some other guy but said since he's straight, he'd have to say Ricky Martin. Whoops. It doesn't help that RM has never had a girlfriend and is known for shaking his bum and wearing speedos while hanging out with his "man friends".  I mean, come on-- his most notable feature is his lack of tan lines. I wonder if he has an earring. My mom would be all over that. 

Well Ricky, I still love you even though you're gonna be dry humping Puerto-Rican underwear models now. I have to say that being the man of the year at every Puerto Rican parade isn't too subtle nor the manliest of titles. At least you can now truly enjoy Miami and no one will question your tank tops.

dentistry.

My dentist is such a creep. Every time I show up for my cleaning he acts as if he has just met me. I don't know if he's going through a divorce or what but he flirts and hits on me relentlessly which I'm pretty sure is not okay considering he still checks me for cavities and asks me what my favorite class in school is. Yesterday I'm sitting there in a grey dress that I pretty much wear everyday. I'm a cartoon character.

He looks at me and says, "Why did you dress up for me?"
"Umm. What? I didn't dress up."
"You're wearing a dress. It's very attractive."
--Awkward silence--
He continues, "Don't underestimate the power of a dress. They're very attractive."

Thank god he knew it was NOT ok to say you're very attractive.

As he is pushing metal implements around my mouth and cleaning it with sand he calls toothpaste, he says, "You must have A MILLION boyfriends."
I try to say no but it sounds more like "nomph."
"No, I went to UCI too. You must have thousands of boyfriends there."

I don't really know what that means. Is he insinuating that I am exotic by UCI standards because I am white? Or does he just mean asians love me? Obviously both these statements are true. I am a total babe, everyone at UCI loves me. I don't need a dentist to tell me this.

He also never fails to complement my mouth and teeth which I find much more uncomfortable than just hitting on me like normal weird people do, like construction workers or Del Taco drive thru window guys. Hey, he calls me princesa and gives me free fries-- who's complaining?
"You have good teeth. Actually, you have great teeth. And the perfect sized mouth."

Wow, I'm gonna vomit. I just thought I'd share that with you. I think most mouth-oriented vocations attract creepy men. My orthodontist was strange AND he was a ginger so he was basically screwed in the pervert department. He had this wall called the "Wall of Smiles" where he posed pedophile-y with young girls fresh from brace removal. Sexy.

sprat

People Cover

Word on the street is that Sprat (that's my nickname for her) is blaming The Hills for making her bulimic. She goes into more detail saying -- well she looked at herself on tv and thought she was huge next to LC, so obviously she had to go throw up her mango shake and cocaine. Ok, that's just paraphrasing. And changing the content. 

Seriously though, I think Sprat is just finding new ways to be crazy. I want to know this glamourous old Sprat that Brody speaks so fondly of. The one that went to rehab and didn't finish HS. Where is that girl? She sounds so much more interesting and self-destructive. New Sprat is just retarded and gets confused about hanging up clothing and thinks the name "Robert" deserves to be said in a British accent because it's not a hyphenated nickname or followed by a probation number.

I'm really hoping Sprat doesn't let me down with this scandel. The Pratts have a family name to uphold.

not her best day

jon & kate

So apparently Jon & Kate plus 8 are big in the news right now. Access Hollywood has this hilarious clip of Kate denying her child sustenance. I guess it was a huge hit on Yahoo yesterday. It's pretty understandable because she has 8 kids. I don't think she actually communicates with them, I think they mostly sound like white noise and she smiles at them because they're so tan and cute. I'm always so confused why they look asian because you never see Jon and I'm like Ohhhh yeah, that makes more sense now. I also need to start watching the celebrity island show where Janice Dickinson is dying of syphilis. I'm hoping I can write an article about her. She's a really fascinating human being and deserves a great many literature attributed to her name. I sound sarcastic but I really do want to do her justice. I'm thinking of just creating one of those pictures of what it would look like if she and Steven Baldwin had a baby. It would probably look something like Suri Cruise.

'Cup of Jo' radio show

I have a radio show for summer! It's my first music show so I'm really excited. I believe I start on the 28th because our schedule changes next week. It's going to be every Sunday from 10a-12p (good slot huh?) so I hope to accompany your morning cup of jo! 

ways to listen:

88.9fm

kuci.0rg- stream live (best quality)

mad men

So I've gotten really into Mad Men. I don't really watch TV but when I do I just get addicted to the show and watch all the seasons in 1 week. Last year it was House, Big Love, Weeds and How I met your Mother. This year it's been United States of Tara and most recently MAD MEN. It's amazing. I simultaneously love and hate the man-whore ad-man cutthroat heartthrob that is Don Draper. [I would like to note that spell check just hyphenated man-whore for me.] 

I use it as my reference point for history, fashion and gender studies. I can pretty much tie anything back to the show. Milk= Roger loves vodka in his milk. Russia= we really wanted to bomb the shit out of it. Horses= Mrs. Draper has no life so she rides horses all day. You get the picture. 

The sad part about it is that literally EVERY guy cheats on his wife. Like seriously, do you want me to lose all trust in the not-so-fairer sex? I've actually gotten to the point where I'm not mad at Don for boning other chicks because I'm like "Oh it's just sex, it's not like he cares about them." Even the nerdy glasses guy that talks to his wife on the phone while he's working finds a way to bone his secretary. He did feel remorseful so I forgave him.

The women get to the wear the most amazing clothing. I really wish I was on the show. I've always wanted to say "Darling" while chain-smoking and wearing white gloves. I'll bring it back.

memorial day weekend

I hit a fucking pole.

I was parked in our alley and then I somehow backed into the ginormous wood electrical poles that have all the phone lines. Yeah. This weird dark gold side bumper thing fell off and I yelled fuck and put it in my car and then got drunk. When I went to the gas station on Tuesday, 3 people had the same fucked up car butt. 

Me, Coco and Chrystal decided to be super classy and get sloppy on my porch. Coco busted out this tiny peppermint shnapps that she basically FOUND in her coin purse. Seriously, she converted to idol status for a second. She's like "whaaaat? I buy these for the movies!" How genius is that? I'm going to bevmo right now and buying a million mini-tequilas.

I'm going so far in life.

Then we head to Chrystal's "guy friend's" house for an oceanfront bbq/dance party. I pretty sure I slow danced with this jewish dude to Van Morrison and I tried to lead and he got mad at me. I also wrote Chrystal's "guy friend" weird notes on his telephone bill envelopes about how he doesn't satiate me. Yeah, I don't know if they've been corresponding much since Sunday. I have one of his sweatshirts if she wants an excuse. 

After a few hours, I was completely wasted. This is at 5pm. I now pretend I'm a spanish exchange student. I'm taking spanish linguistics and phonology so we're learning dialects and shit so I thought it'd be fun to be Argentinean. sho me shamo joanna. shi, quiero comer el posho. you get it. This asian kid was explaining what salmonella is to me. wow. I was like "eshhtá en el posho?" and he was like "posho... oooo POLLO. YES, it is INSIDE the chicken." He would ask me how to say random words like window and hamburger. I totally did the fobby english too. Coco played along. I was like "yes yes I am here on exhange. oh thank you thank you." I just had to be extra nice and nod a lot. Seriously. You should try it. People love exchange kids. I think someone told me about their summer in Malaga like 5 times and someone else said their grandma is Cuban. Americans love geography. 

lippy and j

So I was gonna blog about this like TWO weeks ago but I've been incredibly overwhelmed with the world of spanish linguisitics. I can spell anything phonetically. Just test me.

I was at Cal Beach with a couple friends on a Monday taking advantage of half price beer and sake. One of them was clearly wasted, already had the stains on the collar and ready to tell random chicks he is in love with them. There was this girl, I'll call her purple tube top (ptt), that I really wanted him to hit on. We're thinking of horrible one-liners that would get us kicked out of the bar when a large samoan-looking guy bumped into me. He then almost started drinking my beer and gave me this look like it was my fault. So I introduced myself and asked him what he thought of ptt. His name was Lippy and he told me he is an indian. I said I'm native american also. I don't know if I believe him. He looked filipino and he didn't know what the trail of tears was. That's like the holocaust to cherokees. Come on.

After a while we're all talking a lot. J comes out and say's he has killed 300 people.

Yeah....

Well I guess he fought in Afghanistan? I don't know. He showed my friends his bullet wounds. He also told me he is from Jersey and his family is in the mafia. He is now a bodyguard at Melarkey's. You'd think the family would hook you up more.  

Lippy and J were convinced we should all go out to bars. I started pretending I was a lesbian that doesn't like to go out. J told me he's "met my kind" and we're "good people". I don't think he really knew what lesbian meant. 

I asked Lippy what he does for a living and he said he was in a band. He told me he's gone all over Europe and Turkey. Yes, Turkey. He told me he liked Canada the best because the ladies there cook you french toast in the morning. I told him I could play the tambourine in his band but he kinda blew me off. Bastards. 

time capsule.

I was just remembering how when a went home a while ago, I found a time capsule I made in elementary school in a tin can tucked in a drawer of my desk. I wrote my name in puffy paint on it. Actually, my teacher probably did that because I wasn't that talented as a child. I opened it up and inside was a piece of paper folded up ridiculously small. It was a letter addressed to myself in the future. I just said my favorite music and shows and basically told my future self how great I used to be. My favorite part were my job aspirations.

1. pop/rock singer

2. interior designer

3. breeder of golden retrievers

4. the lady at the zoo that works with monkeys

I related this to my mother who said I should really get voice lessons. I have to say though, that the last one isn't far off. I mean anthropology... humans... monkeys... zoo... the world. Can't be too picky.

Besides the paper, there was a photo of me on a swing. Adorable. I also included a Jolly Rancher. Yes, I now own a 12 year old Jolly Rancher. I think I did this to spite myself since the flavor is apple and I have hated all apple flavored things for my entire existence. 

last day at the magazine.

So today is my last day at the magazine. So weird. I've been there for a while now. So no more creepy fake British people and I'll have to simply leave my glamorous receptionist life to my memory. They're taking me out to lunch today at 1 which is exciting. I like food. 

This means I have a month of freedom! Until I start my NEXT internship on the 15th. It's like I'm an interning addict. But really this will be my last one forevaaaa. I can't wait to get paid for things.

Now is normally the time I eat my lunch but since I can't... I'll have to find ways to occupy my time.

sublet in la

Anyone need someone to sublet a room in august and half of september in the LA area? Yeah, only a month a half. I have summer school but then when I'm done, it'd be nice to be closer to my internship. Lemme know if you can help.

it's may.

I haven't blogged in like a week. That's crazy. I don't know. Not much going on. 

Last week I got drunk and woke up with my pants on inside out. I don't really understand the logic in it. I think I probably started undressing and then decided that was way too much effort so I put them back on and just went to bed. I did remember to take off my accessories. I'm smart.

My mom told me I need to be like Sponge-bob and soak up the world. Then she tried to be more gender-correct and said I could be Sponge Roberta. I don't think that has the same ring.

I got my car washed at the 76 station and it was amazing. It only takes 5 minutes! I didn't know that was possible. I also don't know if I was supposed to tip them because random mexican guys kept opening my doors and saying HAVE GREAT DAY! or HOW YOU TODAY? and wiping half of the inside of my door down with a dry cloth. I also realized half my bra was showing. You have to be really attentive when you wear tube tops. I think I just answered my own question. They obviously liked my car.

Regarding my title-- it's May! Holy crap. I have one month to edit my shitty screenplay and submit it to the UCLA contest. I also am moving out of Newport in a month and a half so you should definitely get your asses down here and hangout.

shout outs

Supposedly I'm supposed (I love being redundant) to give shout-outs to everyone at work on KUCI Wed Morning. I just giggled and said "I don't know". I'm kinda just playing into the receptionist gig. It's working fine. I helped someone find an envelope and some old guy has gotten into the habit of telling me new restaurants him and his wife try. He also told me I look like his niece "from the back". I'm just going to ignore the many ways that could be pondered. It's probably my split ends.

I think receptionists are pseudo-therapists, much like hair stylists and car mechanics. Someone actually made me ask them why they were sad. OK, they didn't flat out ask. But I said "How are you?" and they moaned, "Okay". I mean come on, you say good! No matter what. Unless someone is dead or you shit your pants-- and in that case you shouldn't be at my desk.

Today I peed like 5x though because I had too much hot chocolate, then I switched to tea which wasn't a better alternative.

I don't like cubicles. I wish you could work outside in little bubbles that float around. During breaks you could play bumper cars.

Happy Monday.

summa summa time

Newsflash! So I got an internship in LA for this summer with a major network. what what. I’m super stoked on it. The people seem really nice and normal. I get to actually write content for their website and go out on location for interviews with reporters.

Who lives in LA and wants a super cool friend to sleep on their couch 2-3x a week!? You do! I’ll pay you in Starbucks coffee and enlightened conversation. Anyways. That’s cool.

Some Like it Hot.

So I'm watching Some Like it Hot. I bought it at Big Lots for $2 and I think Candice said something about it in HS or something so I figured it was pretty good. I've never seen Marilyn Monroe in a movie before and it was weird to see her moving and speaking. I've always figured she was made of stone or some elusive substance that disappears into thin air. But she's real. She looks TOTALLY normal too. I mean she's hot but not like o m g  how is that humanly possible hot. She's more normal than attractive people today. Look at Angelina Jolie. We have to live up to that? I wish all I had to do was have a fake mole, a blond wig and some cleavage. I think at one point you even see her cellulite. It's humbling. Air brushing sucks. No one is allowed an imperfection. There's even a really bad dance sequence where she kicks sporadically in a spastic manner. Just watch the movie.

Anyways, kudos to you Marilyn Monroe for being a normal person and an icon. I think you're cool and talk sexy. I wish JFK wasn't such a tool to you. I mean you sang to him and everything. 

I'm a celebrity.

So I have another interning story for you. This must be a bad sign about my life if my stories are coming from here. Whatever, I won't judge myself.

There's these 2 guys that hit on any girl under 30 in the office. They're kinda like tweedle dee and tweedle dumb. They're totally harmless but they really love to waste your time and pretend you have nothing better to do than speak in cheesy metaphors. Apparently I let it slip that I have a radio show. Bad idea. Within 30 minutes they had told half the office that I was a "celebrity". I also made the mistake of telling him my dj name. 

Ok so Robbie made me make one up 2nd year and it's bad... it's Jurassic J. It's kind of an inside joke (so inside I only know it). Remember when we were younger and they'd play that game where you'd attach a adjective to your name? Happy Holly... Cheerful Chloe... Friendly Fred. Well they get to me and I'm completely lost. All I can think of is Jolly and I am not a 200 pound white guy with a beard. Jurassic Joanna? My teacher was not pleased. I think she came around a second time and I said jewel which she said was equally inadequate since it is a NOUN. Wow I fail. 

So this guy always comes to my desk calling me Jurassic J. It's awful. I'm sitting at my desk as he is introducing me to people. Cecila comes up. She's the publisher. A very mom-ish, smart, funny older woman. He says, "Hey did you know our intern is a celebrity?" I'm desperately trying to get him to shut up so I'm like "Oh do you need to use the computer to FedEx? I love your broach!" But it's too late. 

"What? You're a celebrity? Your face is familiar! Are you on tv?"

"Nah. He's joking. I'm just a ...normal person." 

"Hmm... are you sure? Hey- do you have an accent? Say 'nah' again! You don't sound like you're from around here! Where are you from?" 

"Where do you think I'm from?", I'm amused. 

"I don't know. Not from around here!"

Not from Anaheim. Noted. 

Then this guy that writes for the Drag Racing magazine comes over and tweedle dee introduces me once more saying that I have my own radio show. How impressive is that blah blah blah. DR writer lingers around trying to find office supplies and mail out some stuff. TD keeps coming back for random things like 1 post it or a stapler that doesn't work- each time asking me how I am and apologizing for inconveniencing me. My face is beet red at this point. I need a buffer zone. Something. You can't just keep staying around. I feel like I'm in 6th grade again where that creep in woodshop would spank me with his ruler when I wasn't looking. I see what my mom says about sexism in the workplace. It's rampant.

DR writer makes fun of him and is like "So you don't really wanna leave do you?" 

"Oh I just keep forgetting things." 

"...Oh I'm sure you do. Whatever you kids gotta do these days. You're a nice kid." 

"Well I try. I'm hoping it'll get me a nice girl sometime soon." 

O M G. Seriously. I nervously started checking email and DR guy comes over and is like "Hey, he's pretty forward huh?" Oh yeah I have no idea, I'm totally enthralled in Outlook- have you seen the new layout? Really great. Only like 3 years behind Apple now. 

So that's my life Mondays and Wednesdays from 1-6pm. 

10 questions

1. What is your favorite word? not cellar door, sorry drew barrymore. I like the word chocolate. I don't know if it's my favorite.
2. What is your least favorite word? moist
3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? writing, talking, listening, sex, birds chirping, waves crashing, showertime, bedtime
4. What turns you off creatively, spiritually or emotionally? tv, traffic, loud noises
5. What sound or noise do you love? the ocean, coffee shop sounds, opera
6. What sound or noise do you hate? teenage girls screaming
7. What is your favorite curse word? cunt
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? archeologist
9. What profession would you not like to do? mortician
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? let's get crunk.

raaaaaaaaadio

So me and Robbie got our radio show back on KUCI. It's called True Story and it's on alternating Wednesdays from 8-9am (starting tomorrow 4/8). We share entertaining and offbeat news stories that unfortunately don't make the headlines due to ridiculousness. Who needs to hear about the economy in rush hour? Did you know a woman got hit by an arrow in NYC? YA WAY! 

Anyways, for those of you that don't wake up at a decent hour or live in the OC/LA area. Please tune in via Itunes or podcast it thru kuci.org. I'll have more info after we get back into the groove. 

Listen in!!

fake british guy.

My desk is basically the receptionist desk but the company I intern for is too poor for a receptionist so they just have me. I don't know anything a receptionist would know or do any of her tasks but people never relent asking me about shipping tape or the pros and cons using FedEx versus UPS. Personally, I prefer Priority mail. Anyways, to the topic at hand.

So the fake british guy introduced himself to me today. I forgot to blog about it earlier because I was too scared someone would come up and read it (it almost happened last Wednesday). I was pretending not to notice him pace in and out of the glass doors that frame the entrance of the office. He likes to stare at the ground with conviction, not to be confused with tension or fear. He definitely sees some lint. Maybe some radioactive mold. After his second round of the waiting area, he walks up to my computer and says, "I don't believe we've been properly introduced." He says this as if I'm someone important which I find really funny so I laugh. Which I guess was just as improper as our introduction. I then say, "Hi, I'm the editorial intern." He says he writes for Gun World. I imagine him polishing vintage rifles while admiring a taxidermy deer. I could see it. He begins to recount how he's worked with all my editors before. Wow, you work at the same company AND you know each other. Tell me more. After all this awkwardness I decide to just say my name, "Joanna, my name is Joanna."  And he says "Ah very well" in his Pasadena colonial British accent. I wish I had more to say like we're getting tea tomorrow! or he let me borrow his penny loafers but no. I'm working on it.

However I DID see the most hilarious flyer ever on someone's cubicle. Supposedly someone "stole" their file cabinet and they have their stubs in it so they want it back. I don't know. It was funny. It was as if they'd pay a file cabinet ransom, they just want it. They miss it. Okay, I've been in an office too long.

first of april

So the place I intern at has changed locations and now I don’t sit right adjacent to editorial but in the middle of everything. I am actually surrounded by the men’s magazines. There’s this one guy that thinks it is hilarious to tell me everyday how “great” I’m doing. He says it somewhat sarcastically and changes it up so he can say it multiple times. “You’re doing a really great job, you know that?”, “You’re just so helpful around here.” “Have you been sorting my mail for me? Aw gee.”

Speaking of mail, he’s checked his mailbox (which is next to me) four times. No one gets mail here.

Also, everyone thinks I’m the receptionist now. People come up to me and ask me where Jim or Noah is. I don’t know. Some guy actually just pointed a package at me and said, "can you overnight this?" Seriously?

So I used to be nice and take them over to creepy mail guy and he would tell me where they needed to go but now I just say, "I don't know because I am not the receptionist." So that means NO I don't know when we're getting new staplers or they're going to pay the postage. Some guy comes in and I send him off on his own. I tell him if he walks around I'm sure he'll find the guy. Creepy mail guy gets out of his cubicle and comes over to tell me how hilarious I am. He has nothing else to say and just goes back to his cubicle. It's really awkward.

My work is really casual (see "new intern" blog for denim suit reference) and this one guy that looks around 50-60 wears gray trousers, a navy sports jacket and a tie. He also speaks with a British accent and walks around looking like he ate something sour. He's from Pasadena.

So yeah. Pretty weird day. Guess what? I'm dropping out of college and moving to Sri Lanka...

April fools! ha

ps. I texted that to my mother and she responded WTF?? Priceless.

napa/sonoma wine tasting

We went wine tasting on wednesday. I found this tour that does Sonoma and Napa for 68 bucks which includes all the tastings and transportation. Transportation was the biggest thing since we don't wanna drive and the bus would take forevaaa. Anywho. We get on the bus and we're basically the only people under 40 and not from Australia. Our bus driver thought it was adorable to call us Charlie's Angels. After the first tasting he announces "And don't you worry folks. After all this I will drive you right back to your hotels. For the ladies I offer a special service where I carry you right up to your room." Ha rape ha, this guy, lemme tell you. All the women laughed as if the prospect did not sound half bad.

The first 2 wineries were ok - Kirkland and Madonna in Napa. Kirkland was cool because it was absolutely gorgeous. The guy that owned it is a builder and aesthetically it was amazing but the wine was only so-so. I had to taste pinot gregio AND merlot, my least favorite white or red wine. Great guys, just hog the cab. At Madonna they apparently have each person on staff doing 5 jobs. This nerdy viticulturist did our tour and went into detail about the distillation process for like 30 minutes and then was surprised no one had questions. Don't wanna know more about french oak barrels? Weird.  Somehow I got to try their cab which they are supposed to charge you $5 to taste. It was pretty good. 

The last winery was my favorite, Viansa in Sonoma. The owners are italian and they ship the grapes from Tuscany so other than in Italy, this is the only place you'll taste these grapes. Their blends are all very unique such as primitivos - which is similar to a zinfindel and some other reds that are only grown in Italy. If we paid $5 we could taste whatever we want so I basically just picked stuff from the most expensive flights. Of course the bottle I liked the most was $50. I'm just classy like that. But this other one that was good and unique to the vineyard was on sale so I bought it. I need a special occasion to drink it. Ideas? 

SF pics

PS. I put up a slideshow of SF pics on my blog. If you want to see them just go to my picasa, my username is jj.clayy.

This should take you there.

SF- israel girl

So I'm just going to divide up the week into various experiences. Me, Chrystal and Anna decided to hangout in the common area one night. We're looking at maps, books, talking. This girl with an accent is talking to a white kid in a baseball cap. He looks american but talks as if he is deaf or has a 3rd grade education. They walk to the map and she says very slowly, "I AM FROM ISRAEL" and points at it. He puts his palm over the entire middle east and says she lives there. She explains, no, that Israel is small- not the entire Middle East. He's like ah you are on the mar mediterrani. What the fuck is he speaking? I'm so confused.

She pulls out cranium. I had pulled that out prior for the 3 of us but you really need 4 people plus it's sorta hard and we were lazy. Israel begins to play it by herself while baseball cap says a bunch of inaudible phrases and laughs. I start to just stare and gasp occasionally. We randomly catch each other's glance and she stares at me. It's really rather scary. As if I did something. 

Israel: Heev you bin sittin there all deh?

me: Yeah. I've totally been here all day.

Israel: Reeli? Whyyy?

me: I just love the hostel so much. I don't want to leave.

Baseball cap had left the room and comes back. He introduces himself, he's from Montreal or Quebec or something. I'm still confused about his inability to speak. She introduces herself. She's traveling alone from Israel. She's 20. She was in Santa Monica last week. Someone mentions how she can't drink.

me: Oh yeah, that sucks.

I introduce the word "sucks" which becomes her most-used word of the night.

Israel: It does sucks. 

She then goes on to insult America. I should send this to the treasury, maybe we'd save 10 million a day.

Israel (cont'd): Nobody in America travel. In Israel everybody travel. In Europe everybody know Europe.

me: Israel is the size of my hand. The US is huge. It would cost me like 100x more money to travel the US. You could go to the border in 5 minutes for free. Are you kidding me?

Israel: No but Europeans travel. They go everywhere. When I come here, no one knows America. It suck. And everybody here so boring. 

me: Where? in SF?

Israel: Yes, this hostel. Everybody is so quiet and goes and sits by themselves.

me: Maybe you should just go bother everyone.

Israel: I think I should.

I left the room a couple minutes later. I had a migraine for some weird reason. I heard that the next night she was sitting in there flirting with gross dudes and wearing "super cute" euro-trash discotheque attire. Too bad we're not bff.

SF- our hostel

[hanging in the hostel]

So I went to SF last week. I wanted to hit the city like an awful tourist. Whenever I stay, I'm with family or friends and all we do is eat dim sum and shop in Union Square. I think we walked practically every neighborhood and it made me fall in love with the city for the 100th time. I miss Barcelona so much and when I go to SF, it almost gives me that same feeling. I'm planning on moving there in like December-ish. I think going abroad would be awesome but it would put my life on hold and I don't really want to do that right now. ANYWAYS. 

We stayed in a hostel by union square and I totally recommend it to anyone that doesn't have a floor to sleep on when they're in SF. It was only $27 a night, FREE BAGELS (did you hear me!?) and totally clean. The only problem is the people that work there. They are mentally retarded. I don't use that phrase lightly. I actually think people with down's syndrome would have been more productive than these people. Let me share some bright conversations:

me: So I kinda wanna check out North Beach for italian food. I never do the whole little italy thing when I'm here.

stupid person 1: Little italy? I'm not sure I know what you're talking about. 

me: North Beach. It's like Little Italy. It's known for Italian food.

SP1: Yeah, I don't know where you read that... but there's A LOT of good food in SF. I mean its a BIG city.

We walk to North Beach and see a Italian flag on every fucking street corner. 

me: Hey so we're thinking about heading to Mission for dinner, any suggestions?

SP2: Yeah! Mission is awesome! I know a few places. You should go to this place called El Torro (she writes this down). It's good mexican food, pretty cheap. I also know a place down the street that has the best sangria in the city.

me: okay, great thanks!

We go to Mission. First of all, the part of Mission she directed us to is like the shittiest part up against the Tenderloin. El Toro (mind the spelling, I guess she thought Spanish and Italian were similar) is basically Baja Fucking Fresh. Yeah a #2 with a coke sounds great. Are you crazy lady? So we walk down the street and I see a place that looks pretty legit. It has mariachi players and it looks like a house inside, very hole-in-the-wall. Plus, it's only 6 and it's packed with a line. We all had ginormous burritos and moaned all the way home- but hey, it was worth it.

I had booked our wine tour with SP1 and when I show up TWO DAYS later to ask him when the guy will be there to pick us up, he looks completely confused.

SP1: Wine tour? Is it an activity? [proceeds to grab daily agenda which only lists 1 thing for that day but somehow takes 5 minutes for him to read]

me: No, it's a tour. You booked it 2 days ago. 

SP1: hmmm.

me: I gave you a deposit.

SP2: Ohhhhh do you have a slip?

I hand him the slip.

SP2: Man, we just always have so much goin on. Yeah, you booked a tour.

me: I know.

SP2: Do you want me to check if he is coming?

me: Yes.

I'm seriously astounded this people have jobs. They probably send all these excited tourists to McDonalds for the best burgers and Starbucks for a great shot of expresso. Gag me.

chet from the real world.

So me and Chrystal are walking home from the bars, munching on ham and cheese croissants. Our friend Crowley is walking us home. All of a sudden this guy in a red & whited striped tshirt comes up behind me and is like "What are you, from 909?" Yeah, you're wearing the fubu shirt and two blond girls and a guy pushing a bike are from Riverside. Gimme a break. I look over and his friend is blond, wearing glasses and a black vest. I say to him, "Hey, you look like Chet from the Real World." He gives me a face. He is. All of a sudden they are pushing Crowley. His bike is on the ground and his poor crossiant fell from his hand. I'm yelling at Chet and calling him a bastard. 

- What the fuck, why are you picking fights?

"I did not pick a fight. Your friend insulted my STYLE."

- Your style? Wow you wear a vest. No one gives a shit.

"Well I happen to think I may be a little more fashion forward than that guy."

- Okay, first of all- That's a cultural assumption. Second of all, walk away. Grow up.

I don't know if he's gay with fubu guy or what but Chet- wow, you're an asshole. If all you can do is poke fun at guys that walk girls home-- you're going places. Get a life.

hand sanitizer

I think it's sign that I'm bored when I get pissed about hand sanitizer. I was at home and I look by the sink and next to a bar of soap is a tall bottle of hand sanitizer. This annoys me. I look on the back and my mom bought it on clearance at TJ Maxx for a dollar. My mom buys anything at TJ Maxx for a dollar- weird cookbooks, new age workout videos and really horrible smelling hand sanitizer. It says its pomegranate but it is really that default so-called "raspberry" scent that really smells more like cherry mixed with robitusson. I'm also angry because you do NOT use hand sanitizer before OR after you wash your hands. You use it if you are not by a sink. Like if you are in a car stranded in the desert and your hands smell like shit. Or you just got off the metro and some guy kissed your hand. THAT is when you use hand sanitizer. I'm walking with my mom in a store. I start to inquire about the use of the product.

- Mom, what is hand sanitizer for?

"Oh, I think it's an aisle over here. Let me show you."

- No, I don't want any. Just- what do you use it for?

"To wash your hands."

- No. 

"Yes."

- I saw the hand sanitizer by the sink. Mom, you don't use it in the bathroom.

"Diane does."

- No she doesn't.

"Yes. Diane uses it in her bathroom."

- When does she use it? As soap? to scent her body?

"After she washes her hands!"

- She applies hand sanitizer to her hands after washing them? That doesn't make any sense.

"It kills the germs."

- No, washing your hands killed the germs.

"Whatever. I don't want to talk about it."

Diane is one of my mom's best friends. She has about a handful that she uses to justify things that make absolutely no sense. I now know next time I see Diane I am asking her when she uses hand sanitizer. 

coachella

Who's going? Wanna caravan? vengaaa

I wanna go either friday or saturday but I haven't bought tix yet. I think Paul McCartney, Crystal Castles and Morrissey sound bueno. When do tix sell out? Hopefully not too soon. Let's go!!! 

vagina coat.

So me and Anna were watching Sex and the City last night (wow crazy, we never do that) and it’s the 4^th season where they go to that wedding shower for the cheesy couple where the guy can’t remember Miranda’s name and called her Charlotte which is totally sad cuz she had showed him her boob like 5 years ago. ANYWAYS. Walking into the restaurant Samantha is wearing this huge pink furry coat that has a equally furry red inside and lapel. To Anna I’m like, Samantha’s coat looks like a vagina. Anna turns to me and sorta laughs, “You said that the last time we saw that episode.” What? “Yeah, like two years ago. You said the exact same thing.” I seriously thought I had an entirely original and funny thought. To think I subconsciously come up with the same banter is saddening. I’m getting old. At least I’m true to myself.

if I had a house or $$

I'd kind of want my house to look like this:



























images courtesy of Designers Guild

mommy dearest.

So I stayed the night at my parent’s house the other day to get some studying done and have dinner. I was walking in my room and noticed a few things were off. Pictures were moved around and my candle was upside down. Then I look at my dresser, a framed portrait of my mother on her wedding day is staring at me. It’s a beautiful picture but it was definitely never there, the pewter frame was just a little out of place sitting next to my Las Vegas snowglobe. This is the same dresser she placed a picture of me in Puerta Vallerta drunk with a sedated donkey on my lap, “Oh Joanna, you guys are soooo cute.” Yes, she referred to the donkey like a person.

As I go over to my desk I notice that a vintage print I have framed has something lodged in the bottom left corner. It’s a glamour shot my mom took when I was 10. Her hair is huge (Cher phase) and a black boa is visible in the foreground. She’s wearing more makeup than she’s probably ever wore in all her years combined. It’s super hot. I think my aunt got them done too. Apparently this was totally normal for women in their 30s about twenty years ago. Sex and the City totally lost a good episode.

Just one question- Why is my mom planting beautiful pictures of herself in my bedroom? What does this mean? Should I start taking glamour shots and plant them in her office? I think I might. That sounds like a really good idea.

myspace nostalgia.

I saw this on someone's myspace bulletin and had to fill it out. Oh man. Those were the days when being extremely obsessed with yourself and one-armed photos was totally okay.

Do you have a lot to learn?
Absolutely. I need to re-learn things too. I'm pretty sure I forgot how to tie my shoes.

If you could learn how to do three things just by wishing and not by working what would they be?
A) pro tennis 
B) sing
C) guitar & piano

Which do you remember the longest: what other people say, what other people do or how other people make you feel?
Well I'm horrible at exact quotes, that is why I carry a journal. But I think I remember a hodgepodge of all three. When someone makes you emotional (either happy or sad) the memory is definitely more vivid then if you're just sitting around drinking a burr.

What are the key ingredients to having a good relationship?
Don't take yourselves too seriously. day by day. Be independent. Have your own life. Have your own dreams. Don't say I love you just because. Make each other better people, the day you don't- move on.

What 3 things do you want to do before you die?
A) write a book
B) visit my apt on torrent d'olla in bcn
C) find him

What three things would you want to die to avoid doing?
So I'd rather die then participate in these tasks? Well mass genocide has always sounded bad. I don't want to fight in a war. I really wish it wasn't commonplace to outlive loved ones. 

Is there a cause you believe in more than any other cause?
The betterment of humanity. I think that is my cause. and anti-moronic activity. I'm fervent with stupidity smashing passion.

What does each decade make you think of:
20's: my gpa
30's: depression
40's: my dad
50's: my mom
60's: mlk
70's: bell bottoms
80's: flock of seagulls
90's: grunge and courtney love
2000 (so far): cyber sex
2010's: my demise.

Which decade do you feel the most special connection to and why?
Probably the 90s because it is when I grew up. I think it's retarded when people really say they feel a connection to the 60s or 70s. I get it that you like classic rock and smoke weed. woohoo special. You should write a book about it. It's never been done. I sometimes wish I could be nostalgic about the era and have lived it like my parents. But I don't think you can be temporally connected to a time outside your life. I miss Alanis on pop-up video, pogs, scrunchies and pool parties.

What is your favorite oldie/classic rock song?
Hmmm I have a bunch. I love Love's Always See Your Face, RS's Angie, Beatle's Here Comes the Sun. Oh and Marvin Gaye- Ain't No Mountain High Enough. Duhhh.

What country do you live in and who is the leader of that country?
USA. Obama yo mama.

If you could say any sentence to the current leader of your country what would it be?
G'luck.

What's your favorite TV channel to watch in the middle of the night?
Showtime

What Disney villain are you the most like and why?
Probably when the sea monster lady in Little Mermaid takes the body of the brunette babe that sings on the beach. because 1) I'm a total babe. duh. 2) I walk around singing while holding a necklace 3) I can only be bitchy mean not like mean mean where I kill you. 

Have you ever been a girl scout/boy scout?
Yes. I'm all about the cookies.

If you were traveling to another continent would you rather fly or take a boat?
continent? we're in america you fool. FLY.  if you say boat then I'll slap you.

Why is the sky blue during the day and black at night?
molecules in the air scatter blue light from the sun more than they scatter red light. say whaa

What does your name mean?
God's greatest gift. I'm not kidding.

Would you rather explore the deeps of the ocean or outer space?
Hmm. I don't know. Maybe outer space because I wanna hangout with ET. and I'm scared of giant squid.

If you could meet any person in the world who is dead who would you want it to be?
Maybe Hitler so I could punch him in the mouth.

What if you could meet anyone who is alive?
Augusten Burroughs. I think he'd be fun to hangout with. Or Bill Murray.

Is there a movie that you love so much you could watch it everyday?
When Harry met Sally. I practically do.

You are going to be stuck alone in an elevator for a week.What do you bring to do?

pilates videos, my laptop and 5 boxes of special K.

Have you ever saved someone's life or had your life saved?
Me and my dad saved a drunk guy from drowning once. And I stopped my nanny from OD'ing. Wow people are triste.

What was the last thing you made with your own hands?
tea.

What was your favorite toy as a child?
Probably my walky talkies.

How many TVs are in your house?
one. or actually jackie has one. so 2.

What is your favorite thing to do outside?
walk. sit in the sun. drink a burr.

How do you feel when you see a rainbow?
I just usually point and tell people.

Have you ever dreamt a dream that came true?
I don't think so. OH EXCEPT - I totally dreamt that Anna Nicole would die. NO JOKE. ask Tierney.

Have you ever been to a psychic/tarot reader?
no. I wish.

What is your idea of paradise?
Living in a shack on the beach in Greece or something.

Do you believe in god and if so what is he/she/it like?
Nope. I wish. My life would be easier to figure out if I had a book of answers.

Do you believe in Hell?
No. You are your hell.

What one thing have you done that most people haven't?
Lived in Barcelona for 1 year.

What is the kindest thing you have ever done?
When I was like 6 I used to gather bunches of flowers and put 1 in each neighbors mail box with a post it that said Have a Nice Day. How weird was I?

Are you a patient person?
I don't know. probably not.

What holiday should exist but doesn't?
celebrate people that's name start with J day!

What holiday shouldn't exist but does?
boxing day. i don't even box?

What's the best joke you ever heard?
I don't know. I kinda like those yo mama so fat jokes. Makes me giggle.

Where is the most fun place you have EVER been?
FUN. hmm. razz is pretty cool.

Is your hair natural or dyed?
natural ahora.

Do you have any deep dark secrets or are you pretty much up front?
So deep dark. I'm super mysterious.

What is under your bed right now?
A big black bag.

If you were in the Land of Oz would you want to live there or go home?
Well you have to go to the wizard first to get back so I would complete the mission.

If you drive do you frequently speed?
yes.

What is the world's best song to dance to?
SHOUT. I love weddings. hahaha. oh and BRITNEY.

What song was on the last time you danced with someone?
ni idea.

Do you prefer Disney or Warner Brothers?
Disney. I think.

What is the first animal you would run to see if you went to the zoo?
monkeys.

Would you consider yourself to be romantic?
I am. I didn't realize it but I think I kinda am. I'm sentimental maybe moreso than romantic.

If the earth stopped rotating would we all fly off?
That is actually exactly what would happen. I googled it. Everything anchored to the earth would come off and be absorbed by the atmosphere. gnar.

What is the one thing that you love to do so much that you would make sacrifices to be able to do it?
write 

If you (and everyone) had to lose one right or freedom, but you could pick which one everyone had to lose, what would you pick?
right to bear arms.

If you had to choose would you live on the equator or at the North Pole? 

equator. I wanna live in SA mucho mucho.

Would you rather give up listening to music or watching television? 

That's a hard one. Music is essential but tv is a portal to the world. I guess you have newspapers. I really don't know. Could you watch music videos on tv? 

What do you think makes someone a hero? selflessness

What cartoon would you like to be a character in? 

Chipmunks. They have so much fun. Or Family Guy.

Name one thing that turns your stomach: 

Fried snickers bars.

What was the last thing you paid for? 

movie tix.

Are you a coupon clipper? 

no. I should. 

Get anything good in the mail recently? 

nah.

Which would you rather take as a gym class.​.​.​dancing,​ sailing, karate, or bowling? 

ALL

In Star Trek people 'beam' back and forth between different places. What this means is they stand in a little tube and their molecules are deconstructed and sent to another tube somewhere else where they are reassembled. Only problem is when the molecules are deconstructed the person is dead. When they are put back together it is only a clone that has all the dead person's memories. So... Is the person who gets beamed the same person on both ends? 

No, a clone of a person is not the same as the original person. They just have the same genetic makeup. I didn't know that about ST. That's awfully sad. So it's like if Dolly died and was reborn everyday. Weird.

What insects are you afraid of? 

having their heads devoured after sex. Oh I thought that said what THEY were afraid of. mmm. ginormous spiders.

If you could print any phrase on a T-shirt, what would it say? 

Have a great summer.

What's the most eccentric thing you have ever worn? 

mexican skirt I bought while drunk.

 If you could pick one food that you could eat all you wanted but it would have no effect on how much you weigh, what food would it be? 

bagels.

What are your parents interested in? 

dad- jazz, mom- foreign shit. they're both huge foodies/winos.

Have you ever caught an insect and kept it as a pet? 

yes a lizard. I named him Noah.

Have you ever caught and tamed a wild animal? 

I think living with roommates is basically the same thing.

What is more helpful to you, wishes or plans? plans. I like to DO things.

When do you feel your life energy the strongest? When I make REALLY good plans.

You are spending the night alone in the woods and may bring only 3 items with you. What do you bring? a friend, wine, blanket

new intern

There's a new intern at the magazine. I think he thinks he is better than me. He just walked by so I’m writing my blog post in a word doc then copy & pasting so no one knows. muaha.

He just went through my desk and said he was looking for something but wouldn’t say what. I’m pretty sure he’s lying. You don’t intimidate me, buddy.

He came in for his interview wearing a suit. I guess you could say his boss wears a suit. Entirely made of denim. Seriously, she wears denim shirts and jeans and sometimes wraps a navy sweater around her waist. Around the neck if she’s feeling posh. Every morning I’m like omg what the fuck am I gonna wear? I think it would be funny to push it. Like progressively get uglier day by day. They’d probably think I was pregnant or something. Start wearing Christmas sweaters in June and have a big gulp strapped to my right hand. I’m the classiest. No but this intern is crazy. He didn’t like the labels we have so he spent like 30 minutes DESIGNING new ones. Dude, I still handwrite shit. I’m so over looking for labels. He addresses everyone mr. and mrs. and loves to shake hands. He reminds me of a cartoon character. Maybe because today he’s wearing a striped shit, jeans, tennis shoes with an effortless grin accross his face. He’s like an enlarged Dennis the menace.

hoy

Instead of writing in coherent sentences I'm just going to share some thoughts running through my cabeza.

1. It is gross that people sleep in Langson. I accidentally saw a girl's left boob today.

2. How is O'Connell tan? He's Irish.

3. Veggie Grill would be so much better if it had meat.

4. Girls check me out more than guys. fml.

5. Jay is an asshole. Go back to Australia.

6. I was in the lib today on the computer and I moved my purse and it sounded like a fart. A person looked at me.

7. More people should smoke at UCI. It makes them more attractive.

8. Wait, if I graduate...I have to get a job?

9. Don't talk about Nietzsche outside class. No one is that cool.

10. A Mormon guy just played jazz in my Spanish class. What is going on.

mwah xoxo

So I haven't written in a bit. Life hasn't been super exciting. However, I just remembered something that happened last weekend and I told Anna "O M G, I'm totally blogging about that" and I forgot. 

So me and Anna went to omelet parlor 2 Sundays ago and after we decided to walk around newps, stretch the legs yaknowhaddamean. So we're walking on the boardwalk and there are some strange people. There's the old orange rollerbladers, the attractive middle-aged dog walkers, the stroller pushing couples, the 909ers and then there's us... we're undefinable, totally unique. Anyways. We're walking and this guy in a motorized wheelchair is at my heels. His head has dropped to one side and he looks pretty incapacitated. He's wearing faded clothes and has a basketball hat that is about to fall into his lap. I'm surprised he's wandering around on his own. 

He keeps time with our walking and I try to slow down to let him go by, as he's passing I make eye contact and for a slight moment he lifts his head, aims his face at me and makes a kissy noise "mwah" and speeds off. If he was in a car he definitely would have been pulled over, not for his lewd conduct but because he was zigzagging across the sidewalk nearly running over miniature adults and bruising some calves along the way. 

He was so wasted.

So yeah, my life is pretty exciting. Men in Newport hit on me all the time. They like try to kiss me. How crazy is that?

want to live in newport?

So one my roommates is moving out and she's trying to find someone good to replace her. I don't know if anyone is looking for a place in february but if you are or know anyone-- let us know.

low down-

practically on the water on peninsula

private bedroom

shared bath w/1 person

$750 a month (not inclu utilities)

1 car garage

3 awesome roommates

da bus.

I have a weird fascination with the Newport bus drivers. I find myself staring at them and awkwardly catching their eye in the rearview mirror. I pretend I just really like to look at the road. There's just something about it. How they're so quietly focused, content. Maybe because they're driving a bus of twenty people. That's a lot. They must be strong. They drive really slow to protect us from danger and don't run us of a cliff so we die. They're so caring.

There was one that was really cute and I was thisssssss close (my fingers are almost touching) to giving him my number. He was so trendy and smart. He had a plaid button up and Ray Ban wayfayers and cute hair that he casually spent 30 minutes styling. I never saw him again. Me and the universe haven't really been working together recently.

Poem of the Day, Forgotten Language

Forgotten Language

Once I spoke the language of the flowers,
Once I understood each word the caterpillar said,
Once I smiled in secret at the gossip of the starlings,
And shared a conversation with the housefly
in my bed.
Once I heard and answered all the questions
of the crickets,
And joined the crying of each falling dying
flake of snow,
Once I spoke the language of the flowers. . . .
How did it go?
How did it go?

---Shel Silverstein

Elle's Woman of the Year

Guess who got Elle's Woman of the Year at their Style awards?

Courtney Love, of course.

I've got to say I'm not surprised. I mean it's obvious she's back to being healthy and off crack due to the mass weight loss and the affinity her eyes have to pop out of their sockets. I really like the dress too. Shows off the curvessss girllllll (and some extra skin).

You can't just honor people that bathe everyday and leave their homes before midnight. We can't all be Jennifer Aniston. I don't know their nominees for next year but I was thinking Amy Whinehouse, if she's still around and all. Her cut-off baby gap denim shorts and 5 for $10 tshirts are the talk of the town.

If only I was rich and famous...

fotografia

So I haven't really been taking photos for a while but I'm gonna start up again. I got inspired, mainly yesterday by Simply Breakfast. I really like the idea of finding a niche to photograph. I was thinking about something ocean-y or maybe outside/decorative that would be possible in my environment. Anyone have ideas?

Here's some of my photos so you can have a taste.

I am the victim

I'm walking accross Balboa Blvd to my car today and discover a GREAT surprise. A really nice person decided my driver's side mirror looks better completely disconnected from my vehicle. While I am an open-minded person, I would appreciate if this stranger would have consulted me prior to removing a device that saves me from danger on a day-to-day basis. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something about reflection or maybe people just suck.


Totally unrelated. This blog makes me so hungry- http://simplybreakfast.blogspot.com

Poem of the Day, the boys i mean are not refined

the boys i mean are not refined

the boys i mean are not refined
they go with girls who buck and bite
they do not give a fuck for luck
they hump them thirteen times a night

one hangs a hat upon her tit
one carves a cross on her behind
they do not give a shit for wit
the boys i mean are not refined

they come with girls who bite and buck
who cannot read and cannot write
who laugh like they would fall apart
and masturbate with dynamite

the boys i mean are not refined
they cannot chat of that and this
they do not give a fart for art
they kill like you would take a piss

they speak whatever's on their mind
they do whatever's in their pants
the boys i mean are not refined
they shake the mountains when they dance

---- e.e. cummings

Stuff Gay People Like: Asia(ns)

Okay you know how they have that "Stuff White People Like" Blog. Okay, it's hilarious. I wish I was eccentric enough to only buy fair trade organic coffee and talk about Wes Anderson. I'd be such a cool white person. But I'm not. I'm like, beige.

Anyways. Today I was in my Cambodia & Vietnam class and I was thinking, as I stared at my obviously homosexual Anthropology professor, gay guys LOVE Asia. No joke. Like every gay guy I know either has t-shirts with chinese symbols or did a summer session in Japan where he went to his first massage parlor. I've had 2 gay professors, including this one. The other class was on Indonesia and taught by another Anthro prof that wore puka shell necklaces and always left the top 3 buttons open. Supposedly gay people in Indonesia have their own language. It's like the CIA. How glamorous. 

Maybe it has something to do with dress up. Like if they go to Asia, it's totally okay to wear kimonos. It's the second best thing to a dress AND it's made of silk. Gay guys love quality fabrics. Plus, it's more guy friendly because it opens in the front. Total win-win in the Asian attire. 

Asians are really clean too and well gay guys are kinda anal. Ha. I HAD TO. No, actually I've met quite a bit of dirty gay guys. I think all guys are messy in general and about 20% are clean and I should meet all of them and be bff and we can do dishes together. 

Also, only gay people think Margaret Cho is funny. No one else thinks she's funny. I don't even have to listen to her, it's that face she makes. She always looks constipated and never wears anything but black. 

This is totally not meant to actually have meaning at all. Its just the retarded rantings that form in my brain. Gay guys are awesome and I wish I had a really rich gay guy to take me to Asia this summer because shit, Vietnam looks beautiful.

My mom is 15.

Even though I saw my mother an hour earlier at brunch, she didn't understand the concept of me being busy. A friend of my parents had a Superbowl thing at their house. I was in their daughter's wedding, they're basically family.

My mom sends me these text messages that could seriously be stolen from a 15 year old's sidekick.

I asked her a question about a book and she responds, 

Mom: I put on bookcase by fireplz in fam rm will ck 2nite. lonna sez hi.

Me: ok. Hi Lonna.

Mom: Lonna sez come up ltr at 5. court & victoria r coming 2

Me: Tell them I say hi. I can't because I have to study for midterms.

Mom: Ok, luv u!

I think my mom said she's gonna start reading this blog so hi mom, luv ya. ttfn.

Quote I like.

In getting things going, the real core will be the spontaneous strength of you women yourselves. If you want to know whether the journey is long or short, there is no better way than to stand up and start your body moving. A day on the road is worth more than a year of reading geography books. If you want to know if you are skillful or clumsy at a particular occupation, best jump in and try it out. A year of practice is worth ten years in technical schools. . . . Talking about swimming and being scared to jump in the river, or wishing to climb and being afraid of mountains will never get you anywhere! . . . Sisters, don't put hope in today's educational system; it is completely rotten. Don't depend on the family; its future is uncertain. Don't look to the officials; they are in the dark and want to keep you there too. The real and only way to strengthen your intellect is through practical execution [thuc-hanh],relying on your intuitive knowledge and on perception of the new winds and tides about in the world.
----Phan Boi Chau


It's from the reading in my Cambodia & Vietnam class taught by Anthropology Professor, Tom Douglas.

valentine's day.

So it's kinda funny because I write for this shopping blog. I basically tell people what to buy and sound super stoked about it. "Try not to be naughty with BADgal Mascara!" They want me to tailor the next few blogs around Valentine's Day. So I'm writing about chocolates, flowers and perfumes. All the while I'm thinking I should have really thought this out better. I went on a fair amount of dates in the last couple months. Why the hell did I blow them off? Okay, so they sucked. They were gay or kissed weird or wore True Religions. But they would have been fine to just keep lingering for a little while, at least until February. I don't have good luck with Valentine's Day. I know it's just a day but we girls really think about it. We say "god, Have I ever had a Valentine?" and you start to think and realize, no that was January or he was on a ski trip or I was trying to be a feminist at the time.

As an adult, I've only had a Valentine once. Unforunately he made the biggest mistake of his life by actually listening to what I was saying. I guess I told him once that I thought that roses were cheesy or that flowers were a no-brainer gift. I was stupid. Being the nice, attentive boyfriend he was- he decided not to get me flowers or chocolates or anything Hallmarky. What did he buy you? you may inquire. A stuffed duck. He handed it to me and it made a noise as held it, he laughed. He thought this was hilariously imaginative and quirky. I was just thinking how I am definitely eating half of the $30 box of chocolates I bought him and totally not feeling guilty.
I think I still have that duck. It sits on my windowsill at my parents house. Sometimes on Easter I give it a squeeze.

abroad.

So I wanna go abroad again. I can do whatever; teach english, au pair, have a normal job. It's just the whole visa issue. It'd be good to go with a program that teaches english or something, that would help with paperwork. My preference would be South/Central America like Chile, Guatemala, Peru. But I'd be willing to go to Asia. I hear they have more work. Thailand or Vietnam would be cool.

Anyways if anyone has ideas, websites, info- anything they can throw my way in the next 6 months, go for it. I'd appreciate it immensely. I'll give you ginormous hugs.

If abroad doesn't happen, I'd like to move to a bigger city. Maybe NY but SF is closer and more realistic. I need to go to someplace that is more inspiring. Where I can live. Surprisingly Irvine's concrete landscapes aren't doing it for me, weird.

highlights.

In my writing class today this girl turns to me and tells me the entire reproductive history of every woman in her family. Please take into account I have never held a conversation with this person before.
"We asked my grandma when she was 108, what it felt like to be at her age and she said 'It's so nice not be taking birth control.' She had 10 kids!"
"Well she hadn't taken birth control for a while if she was 108..."
"Well I don't know, they didn't want her to have kids."
"Yeah, but menopause. You don't have a period after menopause."
"I don't know if she had menopause..."
"You think she had a period at 108?"
"I don't know. The women in my family are really fertile. I started my period at 9 and my grandma had her last kid at 65."

I was hoping the conversation would be over. I couldn't keep my eyes off the mole on her neck. It was large and had a small tuft of hair. I was really hoping it wouldn't be socially awkward to just get up and switch desks right then. Fertile was not a word I would use to describe her. It didn't really get better from there. Then she started violently grabbing at her extremities and laughing at the hilarity of her tales.
"My aunt grabs her legs and says 'this is your cousin!' and grabs her arm and says 'this is your uncle'. Haha. Every ounce of fat on her body is due to some male in her family."
"Yeah...my mom still says her last 15 lbs are my fault."

When she told the class that there is no word for incest in her family, I grimaced in horror and excused myself. I'm all for friendly conversation but TMI. Seriously.




On another note, here's a quote I enjoy.

My stories run up and bite me on the leg - I respond by writing down everything that goes on during the bite. When I finish, the idea lets go and runs off.
---Ray Bradbury

poem of the day, If You Forget Me

I used to read a lot of poetry and as of late I've been bad about it. I try to read one once a day. You never know when something will inspire you. So every once in a while I'll post one on here and hopefully you like it. I'll put a little Neruda out there for you.

If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine

-- Pablo Neruda

maybe someday I'll get paid.

Be prepared for most boring blog ever.

So I had my first official day at my internship today. I'm an editorial intern at a magazine publisher. The only mags in the oc are niche like cars or cats. Luckily I got the homes division. They publish Cottages & Bungalows, Romantic Homes and Victorian Homes. The people that work there come from all over the place (like editors from the la times) so it's a good place to learn. I got assigned a piece to write for Romantic so I'm pretty stoked. I get to actually be published. I looked at the past issues and the feature that I'm writing is usually written by senior editors so that's a good sign I suppose.

I also am doing a blog internship for this shopping website. They sent me an email saying my writing is "fun and full of personality". I'm just super stoked about mascara. They said after 6 months there is a good chance it would become a paid position. Blogging is easy peazy so that would be amazing.

Anywho, I'm hoping to get a good summer internship with a bigger company. Either a magazine, publishing house or I was thinking content development for film. I wish NPR was in California.

Vamos a ver.

here's the blog if you want to stalk me- www.dealzinger.com/blog

possible incite article, gimme feedback

Joanna Clay
01.22.2009

I assured my mother that Hungary is very safe. They do have a police force and the healthcare system is rated better than ours. I think the only way they could harm us is if they decided to throw paprika at our pupils. She squinted at me with hesitation.

I had lived abroad eleven months and told her we’d be fine wandering the streets of Budapest. However, my confidence is irrelevant to my mother. As a child, even the simplest question such as, “Joanna, the time?” would be reconsidered and aimed at a total stranger. I may have a functioning watch and the bum simply looked at something shiny in the distance, but I was usually mistaken. I was young and she knew California public schooling was not the best.

I had been studying abroad in Barcelona when my mom decided to make a ten-day trip out to Europe where we would travel through Austria, the Czech Republic and Hungary. Together.

She was a bit stubborn when I suggested upping the pace from 1 to 2 mph.
“Joanna, really. I’m so tired. My legs really, really, hurt. Why do you walk so fast? Are you trying to run away from me? I need to sit down. I probably shouldn’t have worn these cute shoes. I should have worn my comfortable shoes.”
I don’t know if this is a crossroads that only arrives with age, but comfort and “cuteness” are never synonymous when it comes to my mother’s footwear. They’re either Ives Saint Laurent or Aerosole. I tell her my Pumas have worked just fine but she says they’re for people with flat feet. She always puts emphasis on flat. I hear the disdain and wonder what is so great about arches.
“Mom, why don’t you just always wear comfortable shoes? We walk miles everyday.”
“You know what? I don’t want to hear it. I’ll wear what I want. Let’s just take the subway. Come on! Then we can go back and take a nap.”

We enter the subway station and go up to the ticket machines. The one my mom has chosen has a piece of paper covering the place where you insert the money. Hungarian is written authoritatively in all caps.
“Joanna, what does that say?”
“I don’t speak Hungarian…But I assume it says it is broken. Use another one.”
“All the other ones are taken up! Let’s just ask someone. [Points at small child] Let’s ask this kid! He might know.”
“You want to ask a random Hungarian child if it’s broken?”
“Yes, why wouldn’t I?”
She grabs the poor little boy away from a kiosk where he stares fascinated with the bubblegum collection. She looks him blankly in the eyes, “Hello, does that say the machine is broken?”
He nods sternly and walks away.
“I told you.”
“I don’t know. He didn’t seem too bright. Lemme see.”
“Well. He’s five.”
My mom starts stuffing wads of florints in the machine. “It’s eating them all up!”
“Mom, I told you it was broken. Why can’t you wait five goddamn minutes at another one?”
“Well now I need to figure out where my money went.” She walks obliviously with conviction to a newspaper stand outside the station. “Excuse me, EXCUSE ME.”
The man at the counter informs her that the machine is broken.
“Oh thank god, someone with an answer.” He also informs her that he cannot return her money. She can write a letter [in Hungarian] to the station and ask for a return. He gives her change and we walk over to another machine.
“If you would have just listened to me, none of that would have happened.”
“Joanna, stop being such a sour puss. Cheer up! We’re in Hungary!”

[should I stop here?]

We step off the platform onto the subway. The cars are all an aquamarine color and the windows are barely the width of your head. I picture us going under water with a sea of unibrows.

We take a seat on the brown upholstered bench. An elderly couple is asleep next to us. My mom has her purse tight against her breasts, the zipper cutting at her cleavage. To open that, or even touch it, you’d have to seriously violate her.

We arrive back at the room and my mom gives me a shocked face. I really hope it’s not something gross.
“Uh oh…”
“What?”
“I can’t find my passport…”
“What? You’ve got to be kidding me.”
My mother and me had gotten in numerous arguments about her carrying her passport around. I told her I always leave it at the hostel. You can ask the front desk to even put it in their safe. Carrying it on yourself when you’re walking all over the city is just stupid. Once again, “Joanna, I will do what I want.”
I also didn’t like the idea since she carried it in a clear zip lock bag with all her major credit cards. Robbers didn’t even need x-ray vision. My mom had all her most important belongings on display.
I’m pissed. “Where did it go?”
“I don’t know. I must have been mugged.”
“What?! When would you have been mugged?”
“Well, it’s not here in the room. So obviously it must have been stolen.”
“…Or you lost it.”
“No. I did not lose it.”
“Mom, who would have stolen it? I was with you the whole time. You had that thing glued to your boobs, if someone got in there without you knowing…you got other problems.”
“Joanna, it was stolen. That was that. I’m calling your dad about the credit cards.”
She explains the problem more as a melodrama than a story. She tells my dad how she was just sitting on the subway minding her own business when out of nowhere a mastermind criminal mugged her. He must have been watching for a while since he knew about her clear zip lock bag and it’s exact position in her black hole she calls a handbag.
“Are you sure it wasn’t the couple next to us? Or the maybe the 5 year old?”
“Joanna, hush.”

My mom hands me the phone. My dad sounds irritated, probably due to the time difference.
“So I didn’t really understand a word your mother said to me. So she basically lost all her shit right?”
“Yep.” My mom grabs the phone away from me to say goodnight.
“You didn’t tell him I lost it did you? Do not tell him that.”
“I’m going to bed.”
“Me too, I never knew Hungary was so dangerous.”


SOOOO what do you think?

thank you.

So usually my inbox is flooded with messages asking me to buy a hot dog for breast cancer or people telling me the party is BYOB in case I don't know (I get the hint people) but today I got a different kind.

I won't mention names but someone sent me a very nice email saying how much they enjoyed my blog. I was so touched by it so I didn't want to just message back but I also wanted to say thanks on here.

Writing is probably my favorite thing to do and recently I've had one of those "ah ha" moments (that's not laughing, it's the sound an epiphany makes) and I've been thinking...maybe I should like do this. My parents are making me do grad school. My dad thought I'd always be a lawyer because I'm such a jerk but I'm actually totally down to study shit that will make me no money aka writing. So please keep sharing with me what you think, because it means the most to me. And I'll totally accept "Joanna you suck" because that's probably true most of the time.

Thanks and Have a fab friday

seriously.

So today in my Anthro writing class a girl asks, "So, why are we in a recession...?"
At first I stared at her in disbelief, then I told myself to not be so judgmental.
Then I mentally took a step back. It's not that girl. She's a nice girl. I liked her nail polish. It's just I see this all the time. I'm just glad she asked because that's exactly what we need to do.

Since when is it okay to know absolutely nothing about what's going on in the world? I don't think it's intelligent nor special to know who's running our country, our problems or who we're at war with- it's common sense. Now we're in a recession, our generation is going to paying for it for a while. I'll just be in my room rocking in fetal position and smelling like ramen. But you should know what's going on. You should know why that weird guy knocked on your door and made your house disappear or why millions of people are without jobs. You should know who's sitting next to Obama at the inaugural or not make a "what" face when someone mentions Calvin Coolidge. No, he is not a menswear designer.

Can it be cool for girls to be smart again? I meet PhD parents with kids that can recall f21's new online catalog but don't know when the Crusades were. It's just plain retarded. Stop it.

incite writing ideas?

So for the next issue, I want to write something that's more my style. I figure it's been kinda stupid of me not to. Style: humorist, social critic blah blah. So I'm trying to think of ideas.

Today I was telling the story of how my mom "lost her passport" in Budapest to my cousins and I thought maybe it would be a good one. It is basically about traveling in europe w. my mother and how extremely hilarious she is but at the same time makes me crave xanex like water. I need to think of something short with a narrow focus so that it's interesting and simple. what do you think? I have a bout a billion I could write about from that trip now that I think about it. I should just live with her for constant inspiration. HA I make myself laugh.

really?

This guy tried to add me on fb today. Apparently we have a friend in common. I don't know what my life has come to. A 50 year old man, that hunts moose and poses next to a dead carcass, thinks we should be bff.

dinner with my mother.

"And the doctor told me, 'That is a healthy placenta! That baby sucked it dry!' He even showed it to me. It was so flat! Like a pancake!"
"Mom, really. I'm trying to digest the pad thai right now."
"Oh whatever. You know, some people save those things."
"Save what? You better not be talking about organs right now..."
"Hey, your cousin was thinking about saving it...freezing it? hmm I should ask her if she did."
"Really Mom.... Can we change topics."

As we're walking to the movies she starts to talk about my grandma,
"I sometimes think maybe she should have adopted more kids. She always loved having kids around."
"She had four."
"I know... but once we were out...You know my friend Bill adopted those Bulgarian orphans. That was so sweet of him. I thought about that. Adopting more kids. But I have you! One is good."
"Kids are a lot of work."
"Yeah, well I'm older now."
"Why don't you just get a dog?"
"I don't have time to take care of a dog."
"I think a child is just as cumbersome."
"Well if we get a dog you should move back home. So you can train it."
"But then I would go insane and have to be committed, so that's not happening."
"Whatever, guess you won't get to play with the dog."
"You're not getting a dog. Fine, go adopt some orphans."
"I don't know. I think Bill is happy but it did cause his divorce..."

cvs.

I'm waiting in line at cvs to pick up a prescription.

"Buddy...Buddy, come here."
I don't know if she's talking to me or the mexican guy sitting to the left of me. Then I see the fat dachshund trailing behind. The woman's dark brown hair is so dry I want to take a helium balloon to it. It's probably been dyed 20 different colors for all her different phases. Her bright blue eyeshadow, hot pink lipstick and Reebok sneakers give no indication she rang in the new year, or the past 10. She walks up to the counter with a grin on her face.

"Hi!"
"Stacy, Hi there. Happy New Year!"
"You too..!"
Dorothy, the pharmacist helping me, immediately stops what she's doing to take part in the conversation,
"Oh Stacy, didn't see you there! How you been?"
"Good good."
"How were the holidays, the boyfriend?"
"They were good...really nice. Well, I broke up with him."
"Nooo! You don't say. You were together so long! You were going to get married!"
"Yeah, I guess things just don't work out sometimes."
"Well his loss!"
"Heh"
"Is your hair different? Didn't you used to be blonde?"
"Yeah, it's darker. I'm going back to my natural color."
"Looks real pretty."

I'm thinking two things, either Stacy is the nicest person in the whole world or a drug addict. How is it okay to be best friends with your pharmacist but if you know the manager of Jack's Liquor, well you have a problem.
Dorothy stares back at the white computer screen and takes my credit card from me. "That'll be $10".
Stacy is finally on her way out. Her bag o' goodies sits on the linoleum counter in front of her.
"What's the damage?"
"That'll be $50"
Dorothy chimes in, "Stacy never has co-pays!"
Stacy nods knowingly, "It's that $5,000 deductible. It's a new year. Once I'm through that, I'm golden."

And she's never paid a co-pay.
I walk out to my car and guess who is parked right next to me? That's right. Surprisingly it's not a 1982 Chevy hatchback but a BMW 3-series.
I tell myself I deserve a bagel.

16 things.

1. I'm a horrible nail biter. I think it's because I didn't have proper closure as a child during the oral phase. Binkie was my bff. My mom told me "Joanna, there was an earthquake and I guess it shook it into the trash. And, well I guess I had to throw it away." Until I related this story to others, it made total tragic sense to me.

2. Because of #1, I am a freak about painting my nails. If one gets chipped, I usually have to paint them all. I only wear pink nail polish. People think this makes me really girly. I just have always thought nail polish should be pink.

3. I love hot beverages. If it was okay to constantly be digesting coffee and hot tea, I would. I would have a Camelback full of chai tea with a dash of half & half. It's not really the caffeine thing, I think I just like sipping or something. Whoa, this oral thing is getting out of hand. Don't think like that.

4. I've probably seen When Harry Met Sally a hundred times. I can practically recite it. Pecan piiiiiiiie.

5. I am afraid of cotton balls. Honestly, scared shitless. It's the sound that it makes when you squish it that bothers me the most. The hair on my arms is sticking up right now. Side story: I was in an Antique Store with Anna and they had these crystal sets, like little boxes for your vanity or something. I look at one and it's filled with cotton balls but they obviously have to be ancient because it's at least 50 years old. I had to leave the room immediately. Also, really annoyingly- some girl in HS copied this fear after I shared it with people. I guess she thought it made her clever or eccentric. Gag me, preferably not with cotton.

6. I love Junior Mints. You know how mothers can lift cars to save their baby? Yeah I'd probably lift something heavy for Junior Mints. My adrenaline totally kicks in when I see a box.

7. I watch too many movies. A lot of things I think of are movie references and a lot of people haven't seen them so I have to hold them inside. I've also been able to continually refer to about 3 Friends episodes and 2 Sex & the City episodes to explain my life struggles.

8. Dane Cook is not funny. This is essential to my very existence. Talking loud is not hilarious. Trust me, I try it. Making jokes about throwing babies out a car window is not okay by me.

9. I lived in Spain for one year. I'm probably really obnoxious and elitist about it. It's okay though, because I'm better than you.

10. I'm an only child. My parents only call me androgynous nicknames like kiddo, sport, JJ, J. My dad tried to get me to be the only girl in Indian Guides, then Indian Princesses was invented. Thank god. I know how to change my oil and where to buy the best vanilla.

11. I really like to walk. I never really realized it until a little while ago. But yeah, if you like to go on walks, call me.

12. I sort of believe in astrology. I'll ask you what you're sign is. If you're a cancer, pieces, capricorn, or taurus I'll probably like you more.

13. I cry. I once cried during an insurance commercial. I watched Monsters Inc the other night and I was seriously weeping. Whoever did the voice of boo sounds like an angel.

14. I have a strong bond with our cleaning lady, Vita. She was the only person that cried when I went off to college (granted, it was only 30 min away). Last weekend she taught me how to knit again. A crochet fiesta is totally in the making.

15. I don't like pigeons and I don't care that Parisians consider them a delicacy. One time when I was exiting the metro in Barcelona a pigeon sideswiped my face. I was momentarily frozen in time until a bum interrupted by pointing and laughing at me.

16. I was in plays when I was little. My aunt who is a drama teacher gave me voice lessons. To this day, I can only stay on key while singing showtunes.

My top 10: New Year's Resolutions

1. Cook more, eat out less.
2. Read more books. Go for 1 a month, at least.
3. Finish writing my book. Start another.
4. Do more alternative things instead of gym like hiking, swimming...stuff outside.
5. Yell at my mom less. It's not her fault she's nuts.
6. Get my radio show back.
7. Get a good internship (that involves writing) that could translate into a job.
8. Learn to play guitar. Finally, you won't just hear my voice in the car or in the shower. Invest in earplugs.
9. Do something that involves speaking Spanish.
10. Graduate...soon.

My 2008 Film Favs.

1. Milk
This is one film that really chose the right time to be produced. Harvey Milk's campaign for Prop 6 definitely resonates today with the bigotry and homophobia that runs rampant in California's supposedly liberal and socially tolerant atmosphere. I was very impressed by Penn's performance, not since I am Sam had I seen him act so wonderfully. But actually Diego Luna was a big surprise to me. He was very raw and real. His struggle wasn't so much as tragic but disheartening. If the vigil didn't make you sob, you are probably made of stone.



2. Slumdog Millionaire
I really didn't know that much about the film before seeing it. The flashbacks in the beginning definitely kept me twitching for the first 30 minutes. The 3 boys that play Jamal throughout his life are all amazing. I tried to pick a favorite and I couldn't. But my favorite part of the movie is the middle when Jamal decides to abandon the life they've made in order to find his true love again. Maybe it's because I'm a sap or I love that age he's caught in, torn between pure imagination and the brutal reality. You really have to see it. Oh and the poo scene, wow I just had to keep telling myself it was chocolate frosting.



3. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
I had absolutely no expectations for this film and somehow I fell in love. Peter Bretter is a musical score writer dating a hot-shot actress who out of nowhere dumps him causing him to drop his pants in an unexpected full frontal scene. In hopes of getting away from her, he takes a trip to Maui where low and behold, she is there with her new rockstar boyfriend. Aldous Snow's philosophies on life and love sometimes steal the scene, the image I chose captures one of these special moments. I think the only other movie that makes me laugh out loud as much is maybe Elf, don't ask me why. Will Farrell just does things to me. I love Jason Segal in How I met Your Mother but he was brilliant in FSM.



4. Definitely, Maybe
Okay, okay. A romantic comedy, really? But I have to say there are no maybes about the unanimous love this movie got from single ladies around the globe. It's the new Love Actually of 2008 and it made a soft spot in my heart for post-breakup babes. RR's character is a recently divorced dad that has been asked the ultimate question by his daughter, "why don't you love mom?". Through a series of narrated flashbacks he relives his romantic past and divulges his most intimate mistake to his daughter, ironically she is the only one that can give him the answer. Ryan Reynolds definitely got catapulted into sexy stardom with this flick. I'd never seen him looking so gorg. The NY backdrop and the navy suits didn't hurt him either.



5. The Duchess
Totally surprised me. It was a rainy day and it just so happened it was the only film I hadn't seen. I figured it'd be amusing at least but I was pleasantly surprised. I know the film got mixed reviews but I thought Keira Knightly's performance was spectacular. She was vulnerable, powerless, beautiful and transcendent and was an extraordinary personification of the female struggle. Marie Antoinette dabbled a bit in the area with the allusions to King Louis's homosexuality but focused more on her naiveté. The Duchess was heartbreaking in it's honesty and a must-see for any woman that has ever felt a bit lost. We are so very lucky now.



6. Vicky Cristina Barcelona
This would have been #3 if it hadn't been for the horribly cheesy narration. Some people say it added to the film but I think it made the whole visual experience a bit trite. Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem stole the show. Their passionate, wine-infused, gun-toting brawls were magnificently desperate. It was a good contrast to the sexual repression that was expressed by Rebecca Hall and Scarlett Johansson's characters. The latter is the supposed slut but is really just looking for something to give herself to. Both are lost, one in love and one in the fleeting loss of love.



7. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
So Brad Pitt is only hott for half the movie? Gosh, they should lower the price to $5, riiiiiip. But really, I thought it was overall pretty amusing and a good film. Kinda like Fitzgerald's books, it pulls you into another time and place and you become very connected to his characters. The nice thing about it is that I didn't feel bad for them. I think you realize that love can be many different things and for a short while, they had it. Hurricane Katrina could have definitely been cut from the 3 hour picture but at least the old lady looked like Blanchet (because it was). They never really explained how she got his diary though and why she waited until her deathbed to read it. Hillary was telling me it's pretty losely based because the short story focuses more on his familial ties. I guess his father doesn't give him up and he gets to have interesting connections with his family, like be an old man with his grandfather, be an adult with his father and then play with his son... or something to that extent. Maybe Hollywood just loves a love story so much they have to pack it into every film. Regardless, it was worth seeing.

this is how bored I am.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2503258/

a spanish xmas story

I found this via otra vida de nadie and I thought it was hilarious.


Siendo muy niño, una Navidad, el coronel y sus hermanos comenzaron a recitar la lista de juguetes que iban a pedir a los Reyes Magos. El padre, harto de oírlos, entró en su cuarto y cogió el revólver que guardaba en un cajón del armario, luego salió a la calle y disparó tres tiros al cielo. Al entrar de nuevo en la casa, daba la impresión de encontrarse más relajado y apenas elevó el tono de voz para decir a sus hijos: Los Reyes Magos se han suicidado

christmas highlights.

1. My stocking was mostly filled with chocolate excluding the exception my mom made with purchasing me matching rosebud salt & pepper shakers.
2. My mother tried to pour me more champagne at dinner. When, after my second glass, I said I'd stick to water she called me a "wuss".
3. My aunt gave us these silver crowns at dinner. I guess it was a joke. I didn't realize that until the end of the night when I was the only one still wearing one.
4. My cousin's little kids apparently always pick me out gifts. They range from 99 cents to a couple bucks. They always have a theme, beauty. I don't know what that means and if they're trying to give me a hint. Cousin Joanna takes care of herself and always smells like roses, thank you very much. Also, they're usually always pink. However some friends have told me before that I'm secretly very girly. As if I put my hot pink fingertips in my backpockets, desperately hiding my femininity.

More to come...

comments

So I usually ask this every 6 months or so. I was just wondering who's reading this? haha. The other day an acquaintance of mine referenced one of my blogs and I was so flattered but at the same time I really wish I got your feedback so I didn't feel like I was talking to a brick wall, or my mother. So comment and say hi every now and then. Maybe I need to be more exciting.

ps. if you're reading this on fb, click "original link" to see my blogspot.

Will Smith, hair and gay boyfriends.

I just watched I am Legend and have to say that if Will Smith needs a bitch, call me. He's like in every fucking movie. It's ridiculous. I also sat here for 10 minutes staring at the credits. It played this creepy instrumental music, reminiscent of Edward Scissorshands and somehow I can't turn it off. I just rewound it and listened to it again. I need to get a life.

I got a hair cut today. First since July. My hairdresser was her normal evasive self. Asking me how much sex I have and what my favorite cocktail is. Apparently her husband has a drinking problem. I think I was talking about how to cover a cough (it's always best to use your shirt sleeve) and somehow this segway'd into her telling me her husband chugs whiskey in the garage before he steps in the house. All she wants is to snuggle in bed and watch a romantic comedy, or play yahtzee. I suggested maybe he drink less. Sometimes I still feel twelve years old in these conversations. Maybe I should be a hairdresser. People always reveal way too much information to me and I nod pretending I totally emphasize.

But seriously now I can't get those stupid vampires out of my head. And SAM, why did they have to kill him? Men and dogs, seriously they always get themselves into stupid predicaments. You know a woman would never have walked up to the Capital Building if she knew vampires were inside. She certainly wouldn't go if it was dimly lit because then when the sun would set they could DIE. Men and dogs, they always want to check things out and they always come back with something weird bleeding. Like their pinky finger or their elbow and you ask, "hey what happened?" and they look at it as if they didn't feel a thing, as if bodily injuries are like a sneeze or some lint on your shirtsleeve.
I'm watching Charlie Wilson's War now. I've seen it before.

I had to text a guy I went on a date with and basically turn him down. He's gay but doesn't know it. It's pretty awkward. I kept going on another one thinking he'd be less gay but no, he's a flaming homo and I guess he's too scared to come out. It sucks because he'd be a total catch if he wasn't revolted by the vagine or if he was willing to admit his love of chest hair. Maybe I can set him up with someone.

cats.

You know what is absolutely ridiculous?

The whole idea that cats crap in boxes, that you must clean up the crap and take it away from their sight (they couldn't possibly crap in the same place twice, let alone clean it up themselves). Plus, their food is practically pre-chewed for them. They don't even have to bite hard, they basically just swallow.

I wish my life consisting of scratching furniture incessantly, crapping in really fragnant rocks that are then swept up for me, and 23 hours of the day napping.

wtf fog

I was driving home tonight and it was sooooo foggy. I couldn't see five feet in front of me. Talk about scary. I'm blasting Tom Petty and trying to somehow keep my brights on by not pulling on this thingy connected to my steering wheel. Then this car in front of me comes out of NOWHERE and decides to do weird light tricks at me. I do not know fogtalk but I do know that it is a bad idea to take the freeway. Stick to side-streets and thank god for fast food and their ridiculously bright signs.

ice cream

[via pretzel-cart-rental.com]

So this ice cream truck always passes my parents house with that creepy carnival music on MAX going about 90 mph. I'm pretty sure no one has ever purchased ice cream from it and it's some cover for a drug smuggling business. I just wish that ONE DAY I was actually out when it drove by so I could chase it or something like in the movies.
Well, thats all folks.

Black Friday: security guard trampled

[via blog.cultureblog.com]

If black friday is now going to be synonymous with trampling poorly paid security personal than I am going to conduct a silent protest. I will NOT spend my hard earned twenty dollars at your establishment (ahem WalMart). You will have to pry President Andrew Jackson from my cold, dead, lifeless hands. I do NOT want a 42" plasma, with my ibook I can watch movies AND talk on ichat. What do you have to say to that? Betch.
Instead I am looking in my closet at all the stuff I haven't worn in 2 years and pretending its shopping. Sometimes I charge the door but my shoe rack sometimes falls off and ruins my excitement. I found a pair of black skinny jeans, awesome! I've been wanting to buy some for a while. Looks like I was quite ahead of the times in 2006. I also found this heinous scarf my mom gave me for my 19th birthday that resembled something my grandma would have worn (not like in the 30s but like yesterday). Urban is now selling it for $39 so I guess ugly is chic. I dig.

turkey

[via boston.com]

So I'm sitting here at my parents house wearing a tshirt with the image of a unicorn jumping over a rainbow on it. Thanksgiving was good I guess.

Highlights:
- political chat with 17 yr old cousin who proclaimed "I have a NObama shirt in my room!"
- my other 18 yr old cousin revealed to me that she is a creationist. When I asked her where the tree outside came from she said "a lightening bolt!"
- My 92 yr old grandmother fell asleep sitting up, woke up cold and wrapped newspaper around herself. I cried [laughing] and then we got her a coat. Supposedly newspaper is very warm.
- my mom told my cousin that her cat is probably going to die.
- my goal was to get wasted legally but apparently my dad beat me to it, I drove the old farts home.

Now I am awaiting a fun filled familial outing. It'll involve a lot of deep breathing exercises and trying to ignore my mother so my brain doesn't explode into a bajillion pieces.

Have a good holiday.

beeday prezants

I just got a package from my aunt. one word- stokedddd
contents:





woohoo! gracias.

new style blog!

So due to recommendations by many I started a style blog. It's basically just what I find pretty and orgasm-y. Please read it, stumble it (give it a thumbs up!) and maybe I can start making some dough in the future. haha I laugh.

czech it out

http://chicxica.blogspot.com/

ring road.

Yesterday I was walking on ring road and some guy was walking towards me while chewing on his backpack. It wouldn't be so strange for UCI if that wasn't the EXACT SPOT I saw a tranny the week before. Nothing is wrong with trannies or people that have dog-like reflexes but I'm just saying I'm not walking on that side anymore.

albertsons

So everyone that works at my Albertson's is weird. I don't know what it is.
Today I go and buy a bagel and the bagger turns to me as I'm putting in my PIN and says,
"that was GNARLY"
- hmm?
"the guy before, did you see him? he was GNARLY"
- nah I didn't. ha.
"yeah he had BIRD POOP on him"
- oh really.
"yeah I definitely would NOT go to the grocery store like that."
- hmm yeah.

Then instead of just letting my bags sit at the register, he picks them up, holding them as if he's going to come home with me. I awkwardly take them from his hands as he says, HAVE A GREAT REST OF YOUR DAY.

Oh did I mention how I was stuck there last wk because a guy outside had a gun?
Yeah Raika (my roommate) wanted me to walk over and check to see if her car got towed so while I'm at it I decide to buy some chamomile tea. As I'm checking out they tell us we can't leave because there is a crazy on the loose. Actually they almost were letting people out but the brilliantly sarcastic man in front of me backhandedly suggested that we shop more and maybe lock the doors of the store. genius.
I was kinda freaked out to walk home since the man RAN DOWN MY ST when they last saw him. We approach one of the cops that eventually came up and I ask if its ok to walk home. His response? Oh yeah he would totally walk us home, NOT.
"hmm you live pretty close. I'd say you're okay but I mean I don't know. Stay in groups, thats what I always say."
Have I used the term genius loosely today? because everyone is just so intelligent.

Anyways we're okay and I'm looking forward to my next visit to good ol A's.

american.

Today I woke up and for the first time I was proud to be an American. Watching Barack approach the podium I couldn't help but feel tears swell up above my cheeks. A shortness of breath caught me and a thirst for the future I haven't previously felt. We live in a country of endless potential. Our start was rough and we have been plagued by endless mistakes from the misguided massacre of Native Americans to the undermining of our own constitution with the establishment of slavery and the on-going segregation and racism that still pervades our society today. We saw supporters from both sides sling mud and spit hatred that was unnecessary and counterproductive.
This election was difficult. It was hard not to become polarized with such tough issues facing our nation. Our generation will pick up the pieces of a godforsaken war and the worst recession seen in a century. Obama made many promises but one thing I do hold onto is Hope. The changes we must make will not be immediate, they will take time. They will take an undying determination and unity that crosses partisan lines. We have the first African American President, a new generation in office, an overwhelming democratic majority, the largest landslide since LBJ and we are well on our way to being the strongest nation in the world. Let's do it right.

gah.

At Target today I pass this white 30 something dude. He's with his asian wife and small child. As I walk by he sees Obama's book and he says "ah gotta hide the Obama book. Wouldn't want my kids reading that!"
I pass and talking to my friend Chrystal I'm like "is that guy serious? Like you gotta be kidding me. Wow, how ignorant can you be."
I turn around and as he's pushing his kid in his stroller, he's flipping me off.

Yeah I got flipped the bird at Target.

I make lots of friends.

cal props

OK so in case you don't know what the props are and need help....

VOTE:
YES on 1A- high speed rail, LA to SFO in 2.5 hrs, reduce emissions/gas prices/traffic.
YES on 2- anti animal cruelty. just makes it a rule that animals have to be allowed to walk around a bit.
YES on 3- gives money to children's hospitals, who doesn't like kids?
NO on 4- makes a mandatory waiting period and parental notification for abortions for minors.
YES on 5- expand rehab programs for convicts. a little rehab never hurt anyone?
NO on 6- wants to give more $$ to cops so they can just be more trigger happy.
NO on 7- costly environmental plan and even environmentalists are pushing a no on it because it will allocate money they'd rather use differently.
NO on 8- discriminates against same sex marriage. a yes vote would mean that people in california will have different rights according to their sexual preference.
NO on 9- victims have more input in the sentencing of the accused.
NO on 10- more $$ into alt fuels and energy but I guess its bad cuz wu says so. haha.
NO on 11- changes authority on redistricting.
YES on 12- gives more $$ to veterans in terms of home aid.

"oh Rach..."

I was bored at the library the other day and decided to google image pictures of Rachel Zoe to feel better about the fact that I get carded at Harry Potter movies. Yes, they are PG-13 my friend. I can totally pass for 12. Rachel Zoe, on the other hand, can pass for about 85. I swear she was a stunt double on Golden Girls (you probably haven't seen the dance marathon episode).



The thing that sucks for Rachel Zoe is that other than constantly slapping herself for attaching that experimental traveling tanning bed to her face, she has also forgotten to eat. Dude, don't you know being skinny creates wrinkles? duh. if she was smart, she'd just get really fat but then I guess she wouldn't be able to save money wearing tank tops as dresses. I don't think I've seen a person with smaller breasts than mine but hers literally look like bug bites or some enlarged mole a lá Enrique. This probably explains why she's married to a gay guy that calls her "Ray" (hello androgynous nicknames). Also, can she find a new thing to say when she sees the new Oscar de la Renta besides "O M G, FABULOUS".
But I guess it's good to have someone new to make fun of. I'm starting to feel bad about Amy Winehouse. We're literally watching her die and that's just plain sad.

I should run more.

The other nite at Shocktoberfest there was this random asian dude (RAD). I'm creating my own terminology like scientologists, it saves time. I guess he was getting out of line to use the porta-potty but the security kept yelling at him and telling him he can't get out of line. So this RAD comes up to us and is like
"dude, they won't let me go pee!"
- ah that sucks. that's like racism. you should run at the porta-potty and just go in. he can't stop you.

So the RAD just runs at the porta-potty and the little security guard starts pointing and mumbling and the RAD gets scared and comes back over to us.
"I have something to tell you... shhh. Don't tell anyone. Ok like no one know. I am REALLY DRUNK. I had like 15 shots of 151 bacardi before I came here."
- wow, you are badass. you should probably drink some water.
"no, that is nothing. last time I had like 25 shots of 151."
- really impressive.

I suggested he go over and just pee in the trash can which he thought was absolutely ridiculous because then we'd see his egg roll. I was like well I don't think it's anything I haven't seen before, which turned out to open a can of worms.

"let me tell you something else. I used to be fat. like really BIG. and then I lost all this weight"
- oh ok, good for you.
"yeah and I used to be 6 inches and then when I started running it GREW. I'm like 8 INCHES now. it's insane."

I don't see how thats possible. Wouldn't it get smaller when you lose weight? But I guess it's a muscle... so maybe running... I have no idea.
On other news, I just went for a run and I feel great. I'm scared to look down.

langson freaks.

So I'm in the library right now and theres this fobby guy next to me that keeps asking me weird questions. I always feel like fobs are asexual so when I realized he was hitting on me it struck me. Even though the love wasn't there, our conversations will still stay warm in my memory.

"excuse me, what was the last indiana jones movie?"
- Oh I didn't see it, I don't know the name of it.
"what number was it, like the 3rd?"
- um no. like the 10th or something. I don't know. there's a lot.
"ah yes. I used to be a big fan of indiana jones."
- yeah. you can just look it up on indb.
"I used to want to be an archelogist like him but then I realized he is not real..."
- yeah...he's not really an archeologist either...

[points at my wristband]
"is that from a party or rage or something?"
- no. Shocktoberfest...

5 minutes pass.

"Is english your first language?"
- yes.
"Do you say informationS or just information?"
- Just information.
"Okay, thank you very much"

I start going through the news and wasting time on superficial.

"Is that your friend... haha?"
- no. that's Britney Spears.
"Ah I was thinking maybe she is on facebook or something."
- oh, no this isn't facebook.

He's still sitting next to me so I should probably stop writing about him. However he is doing his engineering homework OUT LOUD. I don't know how they hit on chicks in China but I'd prefer to hear as little as I can about wireless information or sensor positioning.

speaking of witchcraft...

This is totally normal.



So does this mean she's NOT a witch anymore? I was hoping she could use her voodoo to create oil reserves or use her crystal ball to forsee the future of pregnant teens. I don't know, it's going to be a lot harder to get things done. She should of held onto her magic while she had it. Now she just has that pageant ass.

oh anthro.

This is for those of you that don't get why my major is so great.
Here's an excerpt from my notes today:

"based on the myth of the sisters who get tricked and both have illegit kids. Oldest wants to visit the gma who is a magical mtn goat and she gets a hare to hide under a log and jump out and make inappropriate comments about her g-daughter's genitals when she lifts her leg over the log which causes her to strike the hare and split its lip thus creating the harelip."

holy shit.

I just realized we have a DVR built into our cable. If you don't know me, this is very dangerous. I just taped 3 episodes of Seinfeld which means I'm allowed to study for 30 minutes. This is awesome.

how do you get to Compton?

So me and Raika are outside Laventina's (local pizza place) waiting for our order and this random black dude comes up to us and is like....
"hey guuuuuurls... can I ask you a question?"
-Sure
"How do you get to Crenshaw?"
-Crenshaw bvld?
"Yeah, like COMPTON."
-Well I guess the easiest way to get to downtown LA would be to take the 405.
"Ya Ya. Aight, I just need to get to Long Beach actually."
-Ok. Ya. It'll take you there.
"Alright perfect. Yeah I'm taking the BUS."
-You took the bus here?
"YEAH YEAH. I bring my 20 dolla and I spend it all and I take the bus back."
- Doesn't that take like 3 hrs?
"NAH, it takes like 1 hour. I like it here. I come. I do a little c-walking (he does a demonstration). I have my fun. You know whadda mean."
- alright well have a good trip.
"I will, I will. I got my GAYTORADE AND SOME CHEEEPS."
Then he kept saying WHO'S YOUR BOY? and slapping our hands because we are such good people.

He was kinda normal when he 1st came up but then we noticed a glint in his eye. He does semi- c-walking as he walks away and then runs full speed j-walking accross traffic.

Raika was like "shiit, I thought he was gonna mug me." We're very politically correct.

byebye Crenshaw man.

the economy is affecting the male market as well.

amusill: the other day at target
amusill: I noticed this guy and his wife in the parking lot and the dood was wearing this festive looking shirt and hat so I was making fun of him
amusill: then later Gabby passes him in the store and he goes
"damn girl i could just wipe mayonnaise all over your sweet body"
amusill: and then he asks her how old she is and she says 21
amusill: and hes like, "I thought you were 17 or something, you're beautiful"
amusill: then he gives her his business card and tells her to call him


All I have to say is...this guy has a job and I don't!?